Just Eat

Seriously, stop fucking with the food.

There's way too much hipster douchebaggerry going about, and it seems like they keep trying to one-up each other.

"I only eat fresh food."

"Well, I only eat fresh, organic food."

"I only eat fresh, organic, raw food."

"Well, I only eat sticks and berries."

Knock it off, people! For fuck's sake, just walk around barefoot and absorb nutrients from the ground if you want, but keep it out of my bars. There's no reason in the world I should walk into a bar expecting a burger, and get some mystery meat with a first and last name, and its own garden on the plate.

I know, you like your vitamin-infused, nearly room temperature beer to have a back story, and you have some ridiculous need to know your dinner's name and family history, but that's just not right. There are certain things you can't do that with.

Ever.

Burgers are to be burgers. To fuck with them is blasphemy.

There are myriad options for burgers:

Onions, relish, pickles, peppers, bacon (though, that should be standard), and more cheeses than one person could list.

Notice, I did not mention a bouqet of wildflowers and dandelion wine.

Take your pretentiousness elsewhere, people. Open your own place, and put mirrors on the ceiling so people can check themselves out while looking down their noses at we commoners who simply want a cold beer, and a burger cooked to the right fucking temperature.

Stop fucking with the food.