Those Genes Look Terrible on You.

 Let the hate mail begin. I'm truly getting very fucking sick and tired of people getting offended by other people cracking wise about their weight. Yeah, I said it. Look, I'm not talking about thick, chunky, husky, rotund, robust, rubinesque, jolly, big-boned, fluffy, hefty, stout, or sturdy people. I'm talking about the angry, misanthropic, rude, half-ton behemoth sloths that like to throw their weight around simply because they have so much of it. Thanks a lot, Cameron Manheim. Look, I can say, "please don't misunderstand me" till I'm blue in the face, but I know it will be to no avail. The fact is, though it hasn't always been, that America is the most obese nation in the world.

 In.
 The.
 World.

 I'm seeing and hearing ads on T.V. and the radio (yes, I still listen to the radio, remember that magical box from whence emanated melodies and the humorous jibes of AV nerds?) With some
 <ironic quotation mark>witty</ironic quotation mark>
narrator pretending to be "soda and juice drinks" (complete with requisite melodramatic inflection) deceiving the poor, unknowing children and parents of this country into buying their sugar-riddled products instead of healthy drinks. Are you fucking kidding me?! Seriously!? If you are unaware that soda and some juice drinks contain an unholy helping of sugar, you have other, far more pressing problems... like missing chromosomes... and you shouldn't be breeding in the first place.

 The fact that your children are blowing up like genetically altered KFC chickens can NOT be blamed on them, their lack of informed decision (let's remember, they ARE children, and it isn't their responsibility, yet, to make those decisions), or [swelling orchestral dirge] the evil carbonated beverage industry. It's because YOU, the PARENTS of those children, are making the WRONG decisions FOR them! With the exception of ALMOST 1% of the population (being affected by actual disorders that cause drastic weight gain, as opposed to self-inflicted ones), your children look like this because YOU look like this! You're FEEDING them the damned genetically altered KFC chickens, assholes!

 Again, this doesn't pertain to the slightly enlarged. It's the massive, grotesque five-hundred pound people with the equally large attitude crying, pissing and moaning about their weight, and pointing their engorged sausage fingers at everyone else that piss me off. Take some fucking accountability! You can't blame genetics in an overwhelming majority of cases. What you can blame, however, is your desire to lead a sedentary lifestyle and blame doctors, your parents, the FDA, the government, the restaurant industry, television, Rachel Ray, Coca-Cola, Frito-lay, and the makers of the couch you can't eject yourself from (because it's too comfortable to get out of. It must be their fault!)

 This does not come from some scrawny, world-saving, hipster vegetarian, either (they're another faction of myopic asshats in my cross-hairs). I'm stocky myself. Always have been, probably always will be. But you know what? I was stockier. No, fuck that, I'll own it. I was fat. I was a big fat fatty. I didn't blame anyone else, I didn't gripe, and cry, and whine, and blame others. I didn't get angry and offended, and defensive when people I hadn't seen in years said, "Jesus Christ, you got fat!" (and many did), and I didn't get up on a soapbox and tout the benefits of being hefty, either. I realized I had to get in shape, for my own benefit. For my own health. And I did it. It truly is, in most cases, a matter of willpower.

 I may lose readership over this, but it has to be said. The whole idea of  "big is beautiful"  is an excuse. It's used as a phrase of absolution for the lazy. It does not absolve you from taking care of yourself. Gone are the days when corpulence was a sign of wealth, power, and good breeding stock. That being said, big can be beautiful... in proportion. There are absolutely drop dead gorgeous big girls out there, but big is not, and shouldn't be, synonymous with fat. There's a difference. A rather large one (pun completely intended). Diabetes, heart disease, gout, high blood pressure, a shortened life expectancy, and gynecomastia are not beautiful. That being said, lose the fatittude.

 *The preceding rant is in no way intended to express the views of any individual or agency aside from me. If you happen to be large and jolly, suffer no health risks because of your size, or are simply "heavy," then please, please continue to be you. If, however, you are a member of the "fat and proud" faction that insists on yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs, and believe that when it rains and you get wet it's because god is making fun of your weight, I do suggest downloading and re-reading this article until it finally sinks the fuck in.

~So sayeth the Mofo.