An Open Letter to Verizon

Dear Verizon, please stop feeding your online customer service people lead paint chips. 

It's really affecting their productivity.

This is the actual text I entered into Verizon's handy "tell us what you think" box at the end of the online chat. You know, that little applet that allows you to give feedback on your experience, and ostensibly give their customer support people glowing reviews for their helpfulness:

"This was the most horrendous chat experience I've ever had. It took four attempts to get Kayla to answer two very simple, extraordinarily basic questions, and I still ended the chat without having them answered. This agent was absolutely, unequivocally useless, and I have no idea how she maintains her employ. I repeatedly explained that I am deaf, and she repeatedly recommended that I call customer service. I don't know if it's a word with which she is unfamiliar or not, but I can assure you that it means I literally can not hear. It's physically impossible. After explaining that, she continued to recommend that I call customer service. I don't know how you managed to find the most daft person on the planet to engage a live chat, but my hat's off to you, because I'm certain it was a lengthy search, and I'm quite surprised she could even type without hurting herself. I assure you, I could find three marmosets with down syndrome that could do a better job."

What's that, you say? Why would I feel the need to lambaste poor Kayla in such a way? Well, I'll show you. You'll notice any additional commentary exclusive to this blog post is in red. This is for two reasons: 1) I wish to separate any accidental hilarity induced by the actual conversation from any intentional hilarity induced by myself for this blog, and B) red is a good color for when one is typing out of pure unadulterated fury.


Chat Subject:Upgrade Existing Services
Your Question:Just doing some basic research on upgrading to FiOS.
A Verizon Service Representative will be with you shortly. Thank you.
Agent Kayla has joined.
Kayla : Chat ID for this session is 09271296593. (Technical jibber jabber).

Kayla: Thank you for choosing Verizon and visiting our chat service. I would be happy to assist you with your question. Unbeknownst to me, this is the first lie. 

For quality and security purposes, your session is recorded and may be monitored or reviewed. Go ahead, review it. I fucking dare you. Please do not provide sensitive information such as social security, bank account or credit card numbers to the chat agent because things like numbers scare and confuse them, and frankly, the therapy bills we'd be responsible for are outrageous. May we view your account information, including the services you subscribe to, to assist you during this chat with respect to available Verizon products and services? I'm relatively certain that's why I initiated this debacle-to-be. You may deny us permission, which will have no effect on your current services. Under federal law, it is your right and our duty to protect your account information. May I have permission to review your account?

KRIS LEEDS: Yes.

Kayla: Hello! How may I assist you today.

KRIS LEEDS: I'm just doing some research on FiOS. I need to know a couple of things. First, is it possible to get FiOS internet and TV without the phone service. I don't need the phone, because as a deaf person, I don't use it. (Just me trying to inject a bit of levity into the day of someone who I'm sure comes across irritated people and angry fuckwits all day long, but still get the information across).

Kayla: Yes you can go for double bundle package of FiOS TV and Internet service.

KRIS LEEDS: Okay, and how much is that?
KRIS LEEDS: The lowest one, we're still poor at the moment.

Kayla: Please give me a moment to check for you. (Or ten).
Kayla: I just double check your account details. You currently have High Speed Internet service and Home Phone service of Verizon.
Kayla: You need to continue with the Home Phone service.
Kayla: You will get the best triple bundle package with the price you are able to view above the "Add to Cart" Button.

KRIS LEEDS: Why? I only accepted the home phone service because it was mandatory to get the DSL (true), and they told me I could upgrade to FiOS when it came around and drop it (also true). Now, I get a letter that basically says FiOS is a mandatory upgrade (quite surprising, but equally true), and you're telling me I have to keep a service I LITERALLY CAN'T USE?! (stunningly true).

Another ten minute delay...

KRIS LEEDS: Hello?
Kayla: Let me assist you here. Assist me? A novel idea. Here, I thought I had come for cookies and milk!
Kayla(13:49:02): I would suggest you to call your Verizon local business office and check all the options available to cancel your Home Phone service and then order the FiOS TV and Internet service.

KRIS LEEDS(13:49:50): Wow... did you seriously just recommend that I call someone? Did that just happen? Are you not paying attention at all?

Apparently, I signed up for Verizon's ten-minutes-before-you-get-an-answer-of-any-fucking-kind package.

KRIS LEEDS(13:51:43): How easy is it to transfer FiOS if we move? Can you answer that without directing me elsewhere, please? I opened the chat so I could communicate with someone to assist me.

Kayla(13:54:48): Let me assist you here. (I think you better had).
Kayla(13:56:24): You can switch to FiOS Verizon service at any time as your location is upgraded to FiOS Verizon service. ... Here, I've deleted a long spiel that could easily be a script idea for Mojo Jojo for the sake of your own sanity. You're welcome, but let me synopsize: This is where Kayla tells me about all the things I already have, and what's involved with getting those things. in other words, information I don't need about a service I'm already consuming which answers exactly zero of my questions.

KRIS LEEDS(13:57:05): Okay, so back to my original question: How much for the double package?

Kayla(13:58:36): Once you drop the Home Phone service by calling Verizon local business office. They will canel the Home Phone service manually and then you can come online at any time to check the double play price available to you as per your account with special discount as Valued Verizon existing customer. I didn't ask you that.
Kayla(13:59:47): The regular price for Prime HD TV plan and 15/5 Internet plan is $79.99/month. "However to check what price you will get. Please come online once you call your Verizon local business office and cancel the standard Home Phone service.

KRIS LEEDS(14:01:27): Was that so hard? Now, as far as the second question: how easy is it to transfer service if we move? Please don't give me a standard answer from a drop down menu. Just the facts. Also: do I need a tech to come out? Is it a lengthy install process?

Kayla(14:02:12): You will be able to select installation date available as per your location on installation date selection page, before you decide to submit your order. Not what I asked you.
Kayla(14:02:28): It takes 4 to 6 hours for installation process. Sort of answers one part of the question, but not really.
Kayla(14:04:03): Technician will come on the date of Installation which you select on installation date page, before you decide to submit your order. Still doesn't answer my question.

KRIS LEEDS(14:04:44): I'm still having trouble with one fundamental flaw in this logic: If I drop the phone service, I will no longer have internet (because I'm currently using DSL). How, then, will I be able to check the prices online for the double package? Please notify me immediately if this isn't a damned good point.

Kayla(14:06:19): That is the reason, I am suggesting you to call your Verizon local business office to check all the options available. WHY DO YOU KEEP SUGGESTING I CALL?! 

KRIS LEEDS(14:08:00): At this point, it's obviously just easier to switch and downgrade. So how easy is it to transfer the service if we move? (Please note this is the fourth time I've asked you this question, and my patience is wearing thin).

Kayla(14:10:35): I understand your concern, You will be able to order the FiOS TV and Internet service of Verizon. You will be able to select installation date on installation date selection page once you proceed with the order and before you decide to submit your order. But for that I would suggest you to call your Verizon local business office as you need to drop the Home Phone service. Now she's avoiding my question and making stupid suggestions in the same sentence. This is where I become one of those angry fuckwits.
Kayla(14:11:26): Please call your Verizon local business office to check all the options available as online, It is not possible to cancel your current Home Phone service. Another marvelous suggestion from the captain of the idiot brigade.

KRIS LEEDS(14:11:57): Okay, you're seriously not paying attention. HOW. EASY. IS IT. TO TRANSFER. SERVICE. IF. WE. MOVE!

Kayla(14:12:37): May I know if you are moving to new location correct or if you just need to switch your Standard Verizon service to FiOS Verizon service?

KRIS LEEDS(14:15:16): I'm doing my best to keep a civil tone, but you are really trying my patience. Please tell me in the most succinct, and straight forward way what is involved in transferring the FiOS service from one address to another. I can't possibly be more clear with the question.

Kayla(14:15:41): I am sorry for any inconvenience.

Kayla(14:16:42): You can transfer your FiOS Verizon or any Verizon service to new location if Verizon service is available at your new location. If you go with 2 year agreement for double play of FiOS. It comes with $230 early termination fee prorated to $10/month.
Kayla(14:17:22): If you suppose cancel the service before 3 month to your 2 year agreement it will be $30 as early termination fee.
Kayla(14:17:47): You can even go for month to month plan service for double play of FiOS TV and Internet, It comes without any contract.

DAFUQ DID I JUST READ?

KRIS LEEDS(14:18:11): Okay, seriously. Are you a real person, or am I arguing with a bot? I truly wasn't sure at this point. I'm not looking to terminate service. Stop giving me that information. NOW. I want to know what is involved in moving service from one address to another. Is that really such a difficult question?!

Kayla(14:18:46): If you go with month to month plan, You will get price lock for 12 months and the price will increase by $10/month after 12 months and if you go with 2 year agreement you will get 24 months price lock. Please note that this is a lie that doesn't answer my question.
Kayla(14:19:07): I am explaining the moving process of the Verizon service to new location. Also a lie that doesn't answer my question.

KRIS LEEDS(14:21:47): No, you're not. You're explaining the contracts and fees logistics, of which I'm fully aware. What I want to know is how easy moving FiOS from one physical location to another is. It ought not to involve any cancellation, termination, suspension, or modification of service. is it a matter of moving the equipment with us, a tech coming out and doing it, or what?

Kayla(14:22:42): You can move your Verizon service to new location if Verizon service is available at your new location. You will be able get all the package and price as new customer and will be able to select installation date for new location and deactivation date for existing location on installation date selection page, before you decide to submit your order.

Kayla(14:23:18): You will get prepaid label cover to return your existing equipment. Another lie.

KRIS LEEDS(14:23:41): So in other words, transferring service isn't an option at all. It would require a termination of service at location A, and a new service request at location B, correct? Just yes or no, please.
Easy request, right? Just yes or no... simple?

Kayla(14:24:06): You will be needed to order new equipments for new location as per Verizon policy. Yes or no, please.

KRIS LEEDS(14:24:29): Why? So Verizon can make more money?

Kayla(14:24:49): Yes Pay special attention to this word, as it pertains directly to the question I just asked her. you will be ordering service again as like new customer and need to return your existing equipments as per Verizon policy.
Kayla(14:25:15): I do not have that information as I am providing you information as per Verizon policy.

KRIS LEEDS(14:25:38): Even though I've already been a verizon customer? That's not a very courteous way to treat your customers you realize that, right?

Kayla(14:25:48): You will get all the offers and promotions of new customer, If you move your service from one location to another location.
Kayla(14:26:28): You will get the best benefit of getting all the offers and promotions of new customer.
Your session is now closed.
Thank you, have a nice day.

I ended the session because I simply couldn't take it anymore. It was either that, or throw something, and I'm not really partial to throwing shit. That would put me on the level of these feces-flinging knuckle draggers and their band of hooligans. Draw your own conclusions.