There Oughtta Be a Law: Wishy-washy

There is a scourge coursing through this country - nay, this entire planet - like no other. People abuse it every day.

People die from it.

Every. Day.

Yes, folks, I think it's time for an all-out ban. Even one death is too many, and human beings obviously can't handle it responsibly.

It's time to ban water.

While I understand your trepidation (after all, water has been around for billions of years), I think we need to finally admit the cold, hard facts here. According to the CDC, "Drowning is a leading cause of unintentional injury death worldwide, and the highest rates are among children."

CHILDREN!

Drowning is the leading cause of death among children aged one to four.

Obviously, people can't handle it.

Obviously, there ought to be a law.

Because (as I think we all know), laws fix things. They force people to reevaluate their actions. Laws are the things that turn criminals into pillars of our community.

And banning stuff is an instant fix.

Before you go shaking your head in disagreement, think about this:

Water is also used for torture.

Sure, it has its merits.

In capable, responsible hands, but who's to say who's capable and responsible? You don't even need a license to wield this seemingly innocuous death liquid!

You know why they use water to baptize people? Sure, they claim it washes your sins away, but do you have any idea what it's really doing? 

It's absorbing the sins (that's where it gets all the wet from. everyone knows sin is very, very wet).

And it's everywhere, folks.

Everywhere.

Water is in your coffee, tea, milk, beer, juice, antifreeze, tears, and urine. It's in the ground. It's in the sky.

And it contains bacteria, amoebas, viruses, lead, benzene, fluoride, mercury, and yes, even feces.

FECES!

THAT'S SHIT!

Water destroys entire cities. Remember Atlantis? Of course not, because it was wiped out by water, and the government covered it up just so you could sleep at night...

Surrounded by it.

Waiting...

Wake up, people!

BAN WATER!

Before the G-Men in their fancy suits, earpieces, and Ray Bans get here to silence me, I just want to leave you with this:

What do Hitler, Stalin, Pol-pot, Mao, Ghengis Khan, Osama Bin Laden, Sadaam Hussein, Julia Child, Chuck Barris, Jesus, everyone on the set of The English Patient, and you all have in common?

That's right... you've all been exposed to water. 

The clock is ticking.