The Agreeable Mr. Romney

We've now seen four debates. At least, those of us who watched them have. We've also seen four completely different debates between what appears to be at least eight different presidential candidates.

• There's the ultra-conservative teabagger Mitt Romney who's been running the campaign ads against the incumbent Obama, who's been more or less reactionary in those ads.
• The animated, no-doze popping Mitt Romney we saw at the first presidential debate up against the subdued "I wish I was celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary instead of arguing with this asshole" Obama in Denver.
• The foot-stamping, arm-crossing, spoiled brat Romney debating the Obama that someone must've finally woken up in the second debate in Rhode Island after the VP debate between Joe "Get the fuck off my lawn" Biden and Paul "I didn't know we were moderate now" Ryan (and I include these because, let's face it, it's their first debate before they both set their sights on the 2016 bid).
• Now we have Mitt "I agree with you there" Romney up against Barack "you didn't a few weeks ago" Obama for the third and final debate in Boca Raton... a city known for its old, retired jewish population. Note that, because it's important later.

Mitt the Twit agreed with the president... a lot... about seven separate times, and that's not including the secondary agreements he acknowledged in the course of the major agreements. In other words, Romney's foreign policy is exactly like the president's, but with more of a "CRIPPLE! KILL! ROMNEY SMASH!" feel to it.

A mere four minutes into the debate, Mitt "we need to make Iran go boom, but that's not all" Romney jumped Obama's Bin Laden card, and Obama was glad he agreed. About 12 minutes in, Romney tried a passive-aggressive somewhat condescending route by agreeing with something he thought Obama said about some stuff, and the POTUS attempted to set him straight on what he actually said. Candy Crowley wasn't there to back up the facts like last time, so this went largely unnoticed, and was such a mish mosh of rhetoric that I completely forgot what the question actually was. This raised the question, "Who's who?" We have Our moderate yes man (as opposed to the cuddly robotic suit we've all come to know and loathe), Romney citing Bin Laden's death 4 minutes in,  and 13 minutes in, Obama lays out five points. Around 24 minutes in, Mitt "China isn't playing fair" Romney agrees with the President on Egypt, and again less than a minute later, but about a half hour into the debate, Mitt the Twit was back to the five point plan.

This is one of the highlights for me, at about 36 minutes. Obama finally calls Romney on the assertion that he brought Massachusetts up to it's current rank in education by pointing out that the state attained that rank some ten years before he took office. I've been wondering throughout this whole debate series when someone was going to call him on this shit. I suppose it's a good tactic to wait until the last debate, since this is the one most people will actually tune in to.

Mitt has laid out his entire first day in office already. Apparently, he's got a plan to save the civilized world on day one. he can't tell us that plan, because it's just so good, and he doesn't want anyone to steal it. Again, a magician never reveals his secrets. So amongst all the agreeing with the president, Mittens is also going to get rid of Obamacare on day one, because we all know that's the single most important thing leading this nation down the path of becoming a third world country. He's also going to declare China a "currency manipulator" on day one, because they keep holding down the value of their currency, and let's face it, they just aren't playing nicely. I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with Romney's Chinese investments (that must just be an odd coincidence, like the whole Bush / Middle East oil thing... just... you know... serendipitous). He'll also give control of medicaid over to the states to run on day one, because we all know how well the states do when it comes to caring for their populations in a nationally cohesive way. in short, he's going to start shirking his responsibilities right away. No sense in wasting time, right?

After all this hullabaloo, a little over a half hour into the debate, Obama went into flat-out condescending mode. He poignantly asserted that he didn't think Mitt knows how the military works, and why should he? He's a rich white guy applying for the job of sending YOUR kids overseas to fight, not his own! Barack "I can't believe I've got to hold this guy's hand and walk him through this" Obama informed the newly moderate Romney that "we have fewer horses and bayonets, we have these things called aircraft carriers that planes can land on. We have these ships that can go underwater called nuclear submarines."

He schooled him.

He sank Mitt's battleship.

Romney asserted that the POTUS went on an "apology tour." Well, what do you expect after the eight year clusterfuck in the previous administration? If we're going to maintain our global position as a nation that deserves respect, we're going to have to acknowledge and address the various ways in which the last fucktard has flipped off all the other countries occupying this little rock called Earth. It wasn't an apology tour, the president was simply going around the world explaining that we don't really know who that last guy was, or how he managed to hack into our Facebook account, but we've got a sane person as a representative now, so let's let bygones be bygones.

Schieffer asked what I think is a rather important question later on in the exchange. "What if the prime minister of Israel called you right now and said 'our bombers are on the way [to Pakistan]?'"
Mitt "I think I have to poop" Romney's face contorted like someone just force fed him a handful of sour gumballs coated in dogshit. "Let's not deal with hypotheticals"... uh... let's get back to something else... I'm not going to answer that question. EVADE! EVADE! He very quickly turned it into an opportunity to address the two or three things on which he doesn't agree with Obama. The president addressed Romney's jabs, and offered a little clarity on clarity, but was pretty clearly unclear on the clarity of Romney's clarity. Also: I killed Bin Laden, and here's a little story about why.

Immediately afterward, Romney wants to fall back on his "moderate the moderator" strategy, insisting that Shieffer can't just let the president lay out a bunch of points like that (this, by the way, right after Obama addressed the half-dozen points Romney had just laid out).

On Afghanistan: Romney now agrees with the troop withdraw by the end of 2014. Apparently, he forgot to tell his running mate, because as you may remember, Biden and Ryan had a bit of a row about this a few weeks ago.

The debate on foreign policy seemed to be a lot more like a debate about Israel with bits of "Let me backpedal a bit here" and "also, on the issue of domestic policy" sprinkled in. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of playing for your audience, and Boca raton definitely has an audience that is very interested, and personally invested in relations with Israel (put your pointing fingers and cries of anti-semitism away, it's an observation, not a judgement), but the debate was to be about foreign policy, not Israeli policy.

Overall, this last debate left me woefully unsatisfied. I have a litany of questions, some of them old, and still unanswered, like "why is it so fucking difficult for a college-educated white guy in his mid-thirties to get a job, when everyone seems to think that college-educated white guys in their mid-thirties always live the life of Reilly?" Others are new, like "Who the fuck is this guy debating the president? I thought Mitt Romney was the GOP candidate. Did he drop out? Where did he go? What the fuck is going on here? Why are we tickling Israel's asshole? Is anyone paying attention to North Korea?"

I was really hoping to see a more concise display of exactly what each candidate intends to do with regard to foreign policy and national security issues, which is what the debate was supposed to be about, but instead all I got out of it was:

• Israel is our buddy.
• China is a poopyhead.
• We stand with Israel.
• Syria needs bigger guns, but we shouldn't get involved... well maybe we'll get involved... it depends, but we need to make sure they're well-armed... or not... dunno...
• We're working with Israel.
• Iran is going nuclear unless we seriously fuck them up, but not militarily, because that's a last resort... unless we have to go in and kick some ass... which we should... I think.
• Israel is our ally.
• I agree with the president.
• Israel is our friend.
• I'm glad Mitt agrees with me.
• Israel good, Iran bad.
• Libya... um... A little help, Mr. Reagan? Oh, yeah, that's right...
• Let's all move to Israel, eat cake, and sing Kumbaya.

Binders, Reminders, and Blinders.

Last night's debate between Barack "Bitch, please" Obama, and Mitt "The twit" Romney was awesome. I don't mean that in the nineties surfer-dude high school way, either. I mean it was truly awe-inspiring. The town hall format left very little wiggle room to dodge questions, and even though Mitt "That's a great question, but I'm not going to answer it" Romney often succeeded in ducking the finer points of most of them, his efforts were highlighted and made available for mockery by Barack "Mitt, you're lying and I can prove it" Obama.

A 20 year old kid named Jeremy opened the debate with a question about his future after graduation. Mitt opened with thanking a laundry list of people like it was the oscars, then went on about his 5 point plan. Personally, I think he just likes to point. Here's the five things Mitt's pointing at, in no particular order:

1- YOU people: The people that are causing the problem in this country by continuing to be poor, trying to claw your way out of debt, whining about paying his share of the taxes for him, and having the audacity to demand transparency of your potential  overlord  commander in chief.

2- Single mothers: These Kalishnikov-wielding, abortion-having, lowlives are apparently responsible for the downfall of society, and an egregious lack of sammiches.

3- The middle class: Something that, for some reason, Mr. Romney thinks actually exists. Mitt seems to think this demographic is just chock full of people making a quarter million dollars a year, and those poor, unfortunate people are being taxed to death. Mitt "let me be the moderator" Romney asserts that "...every middle-income taxpayer no longer will pay any tax on interest, dividends or capital gains. No tax on your savings. That makes life alot easier." Translation: "every middle-income taxpayer will no longer be taxed on all the things us rich white guys haven't been taxed on for years, but I'm still going to balance the budget. How? I can't tell you. A magician never reveals his secrets."

4- Fake statistics: I'm not going to go off on a long dissertation about this. There are plenty of bloggers out there fact-checking for you, and this isn't one of those sites. I'm more like a sports commentator about these things. Suffice it to say, however, Mitt "how do I math" Romney is really struggling with basic arithmetic. 12 Trillion dollars to 16 Trillion dollars is NOT a 100% increase (that would be the doubling of the national debt, that he keeps asserting is the budget deficit). a yearly deficit of 1.2 trillion dollars (this is the actual yearly budget deficit, as opposed to Romney's version, which he keeps using interchangeably with the national debt) that has REMAINED at 1.2 Trillion dollars is not a reduction, I grant you, but neither is it an increase.

5- The format: Romney has serious issues with the format. namely, it (and the moderator, Candy "I'm not going to take your shit like Lehrer did" Crowley) did not allow for Mitt the Twit's bully tactics. He was caught completely off guard, because he expected to waltz in and steamroll everyone in the room like he did with the first debate. He wasn't expecting to be reined in. he wasn't expecting to be held to the format and the rules of the debate, and he sure as hell wasn't expecting to be told to sit down by some plebeian who actually pays taxes.

The most epic question of the night came at about 43 minutes in, and it went a  little something like this: "Mr. Romney, how are you any different than George W. Bush."

Boom.

No, seriously... BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Romney's response? I- I- I appreciate that question. I do want to point out that I think I was supposed to get the last response on that last question. Uh... uh...uh... He then went into his 5 point plan for the third time of the night.

Translation: "This isn't fair. No one told me I was going to have to answer real questions. I'm going to take my ball and go home... and what is that? IS THAT ANOTHER BLACK GUY!? No one said there were going to be more of those here!"

It was at this point in the debate that Romney really started to look like Rainman, with Obama as "the guy who doesn't understand what's wrong with him" and Crowley in the Tom Cruise role, trying to settle him down before he freaks out about not being able to watch The People's Court.

Romney also pointed out that the Reagan administration's policies created twice as many jobs as the Obama administration. Well... Reagan was also president for twice as long, so what does that tell you?

At an hour and four minutes in, it got ugly. Mitt asked the president if he looked at his pension (trying to defend his overseas investments). The president looked him straight in his plastic face and told him "my pension's not as big as yours, so it doesn't take as long." At which point, the audience broke the rules and erupted in laughter. Candy told the governor to sit down. As well she should, since the question was about immigration, not overseas investments.

Mitt "Let's see if we can sneak this one in" Romney tried desperately to call Obama out on his actions regarding Libya by pointing out that the POTUS went to a fundraiser the day after, and another the day after that. Apparently, he forgot that Obama was standing right there... as was Candy Crowley.

Obama addressed this with a statement detailing what he actually did. He used facts and everything. Mitt tried to rebut this with another falsehood, but even Crowley called him out on it.

The audience again broke the rules by erupting in applause.

This is the point at which I'm nearly certain FOX news had a conniption fit about the godless liberal bias of the moderator. I mean, how DARE she back up the statement of a democrat! I would assert that when it's a matter of facts and verifiable record, the moderator should absolutely be allowed to call bullshit.

The next question was about automatic weapons, but somehow Mitt "let's become an energy independent nation by invading Canada and laying more pipe" Romney turned it into an opportunity to tout his home state's rank in education. An achievement for which he is not responsible, and turn it into a bit about single mothers.

Crowley reminded him what the question was about.

The last question of the night was rather innocuous  but somehow Mitt the Twit turned it into a religious issue. We get it. You believe in god. It would do well for people to pay attention, however, to the fact that the god you believe in lives on planet Kolob, and his holy relics consist of seeing stones, and magic underwear.

Obama waited until he had the last word to deliver the coup de grace - a one two punch that consisted of steering the talk back to politics and away from religion, and making sure we remember that Romney thinks 47% of us are slackers with our hands out.

Here's the bottom line:

You can vote for Romney, and make sure your marriage isn't infected with the plague of homosexuality, have faith in the magic mathematics that he uses, and cross your fingers, hoping that the secret plan he has for this country is good enough to bounce this country back, or you can vote for Obama, and risk an all out war as binders full of single women invade the middle class and take your jobs while having abortions with AK-47s.

~So sayeth the Mofo

Now THAT Was a Debate!

First let me say, I fucking love the internet. Thanks to this wonderful technology, I could sit down this morning, and watch the Vice Presidential debate  sober  again.

Last night's debate between Joe "who the fuck is this kid" Biden, and Paul "thank you, sir, may I have another" Ryan was beautiful and decisive, but it lacked one thing: Joe spiking the microphone on stage at the end. Let's get a couple of translations out of the way here. It's important to note that when Joe "I'm going to bite your fucking head off" Biden says "my friend here" what he means is "this asshole." When he says "and Governor Romney / Governor / Romney" read "that asshole." When Paul "not in the face" Ryan says "Look" or "You see" it translates to "I've been told explicitly to get in this sound bite."

One thing was abundantly clear throughout the entire debate: Paul "it's past my bedtime" Ryan came glaringly unprepared.

He was expecting to debate an Obama analog.

He was expecting to debate a tired old man.

He was not expecting a 70 year old political veteran to smack the fucking taste out of his mouth.

Ryan continually and consistently tried to let off the sound bites he was given, and spout the same rhetoric the Romney campaign started off with. Unfortunately, he didn't get the memo that Romney is now a moderate conservative, and no longer the tea bag-wielding ultra-conservative he was a few mere weeks ago.

Biden kept shutting down the Eddie Munster look-alike with facts and statistics.

Over, and over, and over again.

For those of you who for some insane reason haven't seen the debate, it went a little something like this:

Ryan lied through his government paid-for teeth about healthcare reform while Biden chuckled and tried to keep himself from leaping up out of the chair yelling "BULLSHIT!" The exchange then turned to Biden, who presented specific, provable facts while Ryan sipped his water to replenish the cold sweat pouring from his brow.

Ryan accused the democrats of not being familiar with working in a bipartisan way, having forgotten about a little known gentleman by the name of Bill motherfucking Clinton. Biden chuckled again, probably realizing that when Clinton was president, Ryan was still wearing footie pajamas, and shuffling around with a woobie in his hand.

Near the end, they got to an issue that is near and dear to me, and this is what in my mind and heart, made this debate so decisive: religion.

Ryan's stance is decidedly Catholic, and he all but plainly said his campaign intends to legislate based on religious doctrine. This should come as no surprise, since he didn't say anything plainly or specifically all night, but what you may want to consider is how difficult it is to govern according to Atlas Shrugged, and The Bible simultaneously.

On the other side, we have Joe Biden, a Catholic man all his life, who specifically stated, and has verifiably proven, that he will not govern according to religious principles, because though they may be what he accepts for himself, they aren't necessarily what all of America accepts. In other words, when Ryan said "I don't see how a person can separate their public life from their private life or their faith." Biden said "Like this. Sit down, shut up, and pay attention, you might learn something."

I didn't tune in to hear the spin camps chime in on either side, so I don't know which media outlets said what, but I imagine FOX is spinning this as "Ryan tried to stick to the issues, but he was a bit dehydrated." and NBC went with the headline "Biden Makes Veep Hopeful Cry."

What I do think is safe to assume, is that Biden went backstage, called Obama and said, "Did you see that? Do that next week. that's how the fuck you do it." At the same time, Ryan was on the phone to his mom asking for a new pair of pants and a hug.

How to Say Nothing in 90 Minutes

For those of you unaware (and yes, I'm certain there are some out there), last night, major networks aired the presidential debates starring Mitt "Shut up, Jim, I'm talking" Romney, and Barack "So what's your plan, Mitt" Obama. According to social media and news outlets (and let's face it, they're pretty much the same thing), Mitt won.

If you ask NBC, Obama could have done better. 

If you ask FOX, Mitt descended from Mount Olympus, tarred and feathered the president, and made a mockery of his impudent heresy while his armor caught the last of the sun's rays, and highlighted the blood on the sword he used to vanquish the evil sorcerer.

Granted, Romney was absolutely more animated than the current leader of the free world. Obviously, the GOP's animatronics team was on their A-game. Amongst all the whirring of machinery, cranking handles, and pulling strings to make him blink, however, they forgot to invest in one crucial area: facts. You know, those pesky little checkable things that independently verify that what you're saying is true. The problem with Romney's robotics team is that even though they were almost musical in their execution of finely choreographed evasion, hand gestures, and snide smirks, they forgot to include a substantive script. 

Oops.

See, it doesn't matter how hard and loud you say something, folks. Volume does not inject the sounds coming from your mouth with veracity. I know this firsthand, ladies and germs. My wife uses "I said it louder" to declare victory when we play Jeopardy all the time. She wins, of course, because she's my wife. Romney isn't, however, applying for the position of Wife of The United States. He's running for president. A position for which you have to reapply after four years. Many pundits are declaring the debate won decisively by Romney, citing his confidence. When you step back and examine the fact that what he did was evade, and basically spit in Jim Lehrer's cold, dead, beady eyes, what you'll see is that all Romney did was avoid saying anything specific while bullying the moderator. 

Obama was reserved, almost subdued. Am I the only one thinking these could be the actions of a man who's thinking? Yes, he was at a debate, but he's also the current president with a great many responsibilities. He was also celebrating his 20th wedding anniversary. Speaking out of an emotional response as opposed to a well-thought out logical one is not something to be lauded. Does he need a little fire under his ass? Certainly.

 Let's consider something for a moment, though:

 If an injured bird is flapping around making a spectacle of himself while squawking loudly, and a cat is poised in the underbrush quietly waiting to strike, do you declare the bird the winner?

 Let's not forget that this is the first of three presidential debates. I think before we declare a winner, we ought to tune in on the 16th and the 22nd as well (and let's not forget the VP debates on the 11th, which are sure to provide us some levity). 

It should also be noted that if the state you govern is number one in education now, and was number one in education before you took office, that doesn't mean you got it there. What that means is that you inherited a good thing, and managed to not completely fuck it sideways (See the Clinton era surplus turning into the Bush era deficit for contrast). That's your job, sir; to not fuck things up.

You would do well to listen to the actual words used in the debate, rather than the volume with which they were forced from the candidates' pieholes. There were several instances where Obama pointedly asked Romney what his plan was, and for a moment afterward, the only thing you could hear is Jim Lehrer blinking.