Right Wing Mythbuster.

 Isn't it funny how the people that believe this country was founded by people seeking religious freedom are the ones trying to cram Christianity down everyone's throat? Here are a few right-wing myths set beside the actual facts for your perusal:

 "Obama is a socialist nigger from Kenya!" 

 He's actually mixed race democrat from Hawaii, by way of Illinois (though why anyone would chose to move from Hawaii to Illinois is beyond me). Although his father was Kenyan, his mother was a stark white women, and natural born citizen of the United States, married to his father prior to his birth. Personally, I think a majority of the idiotic hate that Obama faces can more appropriately be tracked to the fact that his father married, and vigorously fucked a white woman. Something the tiny minds of the religious right just can't accept, but don't want to publicly say they can't accept.

 "If them fags are allowed to marry each other because of their choice of lifestyle, why can't I marry a horse?" 

 Because homosexuals don't have a choice in their orientation, they're born with it. Whom you love is not a matter of choice, it's a matter of heart, and no human being should be denied the right to marry another human being (assuming both humans are of equal maturity and intelligence, and of legal age to do so). You can't marry a horse because it wouldn't be a mutual decision, as marriage is, and marriage is an exclusively human rite. In addendum, animals are not granted rights under the Constitution of The United States as citizens. Although what you chose to do with your junk is your own business (and what anyone else chooses to do with their junk is their business, incidentally), your argument here, is asinine, banal, juvenile, ill-founded, and pedantic.

"Poor people are lazy, and just want me to hand them my money!"

 Most poor people are not lazy. most poor people are poor because they're shouldering more than their fair share of a burden that is the responsibility of the entire working nation. We poor people don't want YOUR money, we just want our own, and we're sick of donating a majority of the pittance we break our backs, bleed, sweat, and raise callouses on our fingers for to your lobbying efforts, political campaigns, bailouts, and tax relief.

"Non-christians are Satanic heathens!"

 Nope. Muslims, who practice the Islamic religion, worship an analogue of your god that they call Allah, Buddhists worship an analogue of your god (albeit much less self-centered and vengeful) that they call Buddha, and Atheists worship no god. Satanism is, by definition, a religion; one whose practitioners worship Satan.

"My kid should be allowed to pray in school! They're stomping on my religious freedom!" 

 Your kid IS allowed to pray in school. There is nothing barring your child, or any other, from praying while in school, or any other public place. There ARE, however, conventions set forth by our forefathers protecting the rights of EVERYONE. Not just your kid. Prayer IS allowed in public school, it just isn't, and shouldn't be mandatory. You'd be just as pissed off if public schools taught the Qu'ran, or (god forbid) the Torah, because what you actually mean is: "My kid isn't forced to pray in school." Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, and therefore, religion is not mandated in public schools. You can, however, take the money I'm saving you by paying your share of the taxes that go to those public schools, and put your child in a private, charter, or catholic school, where they have entire classes dedicated to non-standard, ELECTIVE subjects such as religion. Ironically, though, you're forcing your child to participate in a religion that may or may not fit with their beliefs.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'm rolling out "audibles" of my rants. Slowly, but surely, for all of you TL;DR assholes. If your eyes are tired, or for whatever reason, you'd like the poison poured in your ear, rather than your eye, look for the link that will be the first line of the rant. If the first line of the rant is a hyperlink, voila! That means it's been narrated by yours truly, and is available to you as a lullaby! The first one is my most recent rant, "So Mad, I Could..." Please feel free to argue, debate, comment, or request a rant for narration. Oh, and yes... They will be out of order. Just deal with it. Ciao!

Touchdown Syndrome

 So here's the thing. I'm at the corner store earlier, trying to procure a Monster (not the little penny ante can, either, the big fucker) and something to munch on to help me trudge through an already exhausting day, and these giant fat fucks, (that's right, I said fat, go ahead and try to bust me for a hate crime, you litigious self righteous assholes!) in a display that is at the apex of knuckle-dragging douchebaggery, decided to clog the one and only aisle to the register so they could discuss... you guessed it... FOOTBALL!

 Really?

 Is that really fucking necessary!? Okay, I get it, this is America, and in America, we don't go out and play demanding sports, or engage in strenuous activity, we pay people gazillions of dollars so they can do it for us while we sit at home stuffing our faces with nachos, small pieces of mechanically separated chicken that come in ever growing buckets, beer, and on occasion, our own fingers (since we're not paying attention to anything aside from the big apes wearing the pretty colors on T.V.), but what, pray tell, is the logic behind parking your otherwise sedentary ass in my way to discuss and debate how aptly the team you prefer performed against the other team? It was like a damned poorly written skit; two sweaty, gihugic fuckers in sweatpants and hoodies adorned with their precious teams' logos like they're being sponsored in a knock down, drag-out, gasp-for-air-fest.

 If these guys were waiting for something from the deli, I could understand, but they weren't.
 If they were waiting for their counterparts to check out, I could understand, but they weren't.
 If they'd had the civility to move when I asked politely if I could get by, I could understand, but they didn't.
 If they had let me go on about my business without trying to engage me in their nonsensical debate, I could understand, but they didn't.

 So what did they do to incur my ire?

 They mocked me.

 At first, it was a simple inquiry as to which team I preferred. I informed the gorillas that I don't follow football, and that was met with disbelief and a healthy dose of scoffing. I shrugged. I just wanted to get back to what I was doing. Then the smaller one, let's call him Jabba junior, turned to face me, thus COMPLETELY blocking the aisle with his overflowing girth (yes, the same aisle, if you remember, that I was trying to pass through to get to the register) to ask me if I lived under a rock.

 "I can assure you that I don't live under a rock. I simply don't enjoy watching a bunch of jocks run around after an oblong ball, and getting paid millions of dollars to play a game. Frankly, it pisses me off. If you could do me the kindness of moving, I'd like to get back to work now."

 He asked what I do. I told him. I write.

 I was not aware that writing is such a mirth inspiring occupation. Granted, I do on occasion attempt to entertain, but not by the simple fact of announcing my livelihood. I was not aware that so many jokes could be made about writers. I was not aware that as a writer, I was beneath them. I was not aware that collecting disability was a far nobler vocation (and yes, I asked them, and that's what they both do). I was not aware that I needed to apologize for insulting football players by claiming that they make too much money to simply play a game.

 Why, if someone can tell me, is it still okay for GROWN FUCKING ADULTS to act like high-schoolers? I wasn't entirely sure I was going to get out of there without having to defend myself from a swirly. This is what is wrong with people these days. Forty-somethings can be bothered to congregate in the single thoroughfare of a convenience store and get red eared and bluster about whichever professional game player they favor, yet disturbing them while idle for any cause of actual importance is of no use.

WHY?!

Perhaps I am socially retarded. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that people will sequester themselves indoors to basically watch grown kids get paid a fuckload of money to play in an oversized sandbox, then venture out of doors to annoy people who have lives with their ceaseless prattling, yet if you ask them for any sort of action, be it taking action to try to better society, or something as simple as floating the fuck out of my way, such a request is met with scorn and mockery.

 So, I'm sorry, fellas, for making you stretch the elastic on those sweat pants just a hair more. Didn't mean to make you sweat as you plodded over three feet so I could get by.

 I will not, however, apologize for not sharing your views.
 I will not apologize for not enjoying your sport.
 I will not apologize for having something to do other than sit in a lazy boy and yell at my T.V. while my defeated wife keeps her mouth shut and brings me more sammiches.
 I will not apologize for my opinion, and I will never ask anyone else to do it either.

 You want to know why jocks get such a bad rap? It's because of paint chip eating neanderthals like these.

Those Genes Look Terrible on You.

 Let the hate mail begin. I'm truly getting very fucking sick and tired of people getting offended by other people cracking wise about their weight. Yeah, I said it. Look, I'm not talking about thick, chunky, husky, rotund, robust, rubinesque, jolly, big-boned, fluffy, hefty, stout, or sturdy people. I'm talking about the angry, misanthropic, rude, half-ton behemoth sloths that like to throw their weight around simply because they have so much of it. Thanks a lot, Cameron Manheim. Look, I can say, "please don't misunderstand me" till I'm blue in the face, but I know it will be to no avail. The fact is, though it hasn't always been, that America is the most obese nation in the world.

 In.
 The.
 World.

 I'm seeing and hearing ads on T.V. and the radio (yes, I still listen to the radio, remember that magical box from whence emanated melodies and the humorous jibes of AV nerds?) With some
 <ironic quotation mark>witty</ironic quotation mark>
narrator pretending to be "soda and juice drinks" (complete with requisite melodramatic inflection) deceiving the poor, unknowing children and parents of this country into buying their sugar-riddled products instead of healthy drinks. Are you fucking kidding me?! Seriously!? If you are unaware that soda and some juice drinks contain an unholy helping of sugar, you have other, far more pressing problems... like missing chromosomes... and you shouldn't be breeding in the first place.

 The fact that your children are blowing up like genetically altered KFC chickens can NOT be blamed on them, their lack of informed decision (let's remember, they ARE children, and it isn't their responsibility, yet, to make those decisions), or [swelling orchestral dirge] the evil carbonated beverage industry. It's because YOU, the PARENTS of those children, are making the WRONG decisions FOR them! With the exception of ALMOST 1% of the population (being affected by actual disorders that cause drastic weight gain, as opposed to self-inflicted ones), your children look like this because YOU look like this! You're FEEDING them the damned genetically altered KFC chickens, assholes!

 Again, this doesn't pertain to the slightly enlarged. It's the massive, grotesque five-hundred pound people with the equally large attitude crying, pissing and moaning about their weight, and pointing their engorged sausage fingers at everyone else that piss me off. Take some fucking accountability! You can't blame genetics in an overwhelming majority of cases. What you can blame, however, is your desire to lead a sedentary lifestyle and blame doctors, your parents, the FDA, the government, the restaurant industry, television, Rachel Ray, Coca-Cola, Frito-lay, and the makers of the couch you can't eject yourself from (because it's too comfortable to get out of. It must be their fault!)

 This does not come from some scrawny, world-saving, hipster vegetarian, either (they're another faction of myopic asshats in my cross-hairs). I'm stocky myself. Always have been, probably always will be. But you know what? I was stockier. No, fuck that, I'll own it. I was fat. I was a big fat fatty. I didn't blame anyone else, I didn't gripe, and cry, and whine, and blame others. I didn't get angry and offended, and defensive when people I hadn't seen in years said, "Jesus Christ, you got fat!" (and many did), and I didn't get up on a soapbox and tout the benefits of being hefty, either. I realized I had to get in shape, for my own benefit. For my own health. And I did it. It truly is, in most cases, a matter of willpower.

 I may lose readership over this, but it has to be said. The whole idea of  "big is beautiful"  is an excuse. It's used as a phrase of absolution for the lazy. It does not absolve you from taking care of yourself. Gone are the days when corpulence was a sign of wealth, power, and good breeding stock. That being said, big can be beautiful... in proportion. There are absolutely drop dead gorgeous big girls out there, but big is not, and shouldn't be, synonymous with fat. There's a difference. A rather large one (pun completely intended). Diabetes, heart disease, gout, high blood pressure, a shortened life expectancy, and gynecomastia are not beautiful. That being said, lose the fatittude.

 *The preceding rant is in no way intended to express the views of any individual or agency aside from me. If you happen to be large and jolly, suffer no health risks because of your size, or are simply "heavy," then please, please continue to be you. If, however, you are a member of the "fat and proud" faction that insists on yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs, and believe that when it rains and you get wet it's because god is making fun of your weight, I do suggest downloading and re-reading this article until it finally sinks the fuck in.

~So sayeth the Mofo.

DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING! STAND THERE!

 Ooooooh, boy. After a fair bit of first-hand research, I've become quite disappointed in the Occupy Philly movement. Why? It doesn't seem like these people are giving it their all. For starters, it's supposed to be a peaceful protest, not a peaceful acquiescence. I watched a video on the Occupy Philly homepage. You know what it was? An hour and a half of drum circles, quite a few zoom ins on bouncing boobies, and trite "mic checks" Honestly, it's devolved into a clusterfuck of people who initially had amazing ideas, with a great deal of merit, but have devolved into blustery, loudmouthed radicals with little to no follow through. It saddens and angers me.

 You can not be taken seriously if you do not ACT seriously! Please, make no mistake about it, I stand devoutly with the 99%. I AM the 99%. Unfortunately, it seems that 99% of the 99% have lost the vim, vigor, and will to keep fighting the good fight. THIS IS NOT A PARTY, DAMN IT! People are going hungry, cold and tired in the streets, trying to call attention to a great social injustice. This is not burning man. This is not woodstock 3.0. This is not supposed to be a safe haven for hipsters, quasi-hippies, "train kids," attention whores who think communism is cool, people who want a soapbox to tout the benefits of the socialist party, or Ron Paul!

 What first got me started on looking askance at the movement here in Philly was the relatively innocuous mass exodus of the movement. No more tent city (now, THAT was something truly to behold)! No more walking through Dilworth Plaza taking a secret solace in the pensive looks on the faces of the police there. No more amusing my wife by mocking the bright pink armbands of the special security force (who walked around looking like gay Nazis). I'm left with an empty spot that needs filling. I walk under Bill Penn now missing... longing for something.

 I remember a little snippet written a very long time ago, that still holds a special place in my heart today. I know I keep going back to it, but damn it, people keep forgetting about it. It's called the first amendment. Have you heard about it?
It says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an
establishment of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or abridging the
freedom of speech, or of the press; or the
right of the people peaceably to assemble,
and to petition the government for a redress
of grievances.

It DOESN'T say:

Congress shall make no law respecting an
establishment of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof (though we will repeatedly
and continuously try to ram Christianity down
your throat with one hand while excising it
from the public sector with the other); or
abridging the Freedom of speech (except when
in the best interest of capital gains), or of the
press (provided it's convenient, and doesn't
undermine the system); or the right of the people
peaceably to assemble (between the hours of 9am
and 5pm, as long as it doesn't impede consumerism),
and to petition the government for a redress of
grievances (assuming those grievances are in line with
the grievances of whomever has the most money).

Stand for something, or fall for anything.

Eye of Newt; Tongue of Dog.

I've been asked to tackle the issue of Newt Gingrich. More specifically, why we should be afraid of him. My knee-jerk reaction was "we shouldn't. He's innocuous enough, and more or less a joke." Then I sat back and thought about it for a minute. There must be something inherently wrong with him on a fundamental level. Why? Well, for starters, his name is Newt. I thought, how can a simple charmander, who does nothing be any threat to anything? Then I remembered that if you leave charmander to its own devices, it become charizard, and that, my dear readers, is bad fucking news.

Newt Gingrich is a witch. You want proof? Okay, for starters, his name rhymes with witch. Not only that, if you set fire to him, I'm certain he'd burn, and is therefore made of wood. See? Obviously a witch. There's only one solution... BURN HIM!

I mention this because I recently looked up Newt's voting record... and it reminded me of Monty Python. Now, while I absolutely adore, worship and idolize enjoy the occasional Monty Python skit, I don't feel he, like Newt, has any place in American politics. For starters, Monty Python isn't a real person (and I'm not entirely convinced Newt is), but simply the name of a troupe of terribly funny clowns. Hmm... I digress.

To be honest, I'm not certain where to begin with out dear friend, Newt. Do I examine is voting record? FYI, do NOT click on that link if you have a weak stomach! Let me sum it up for you: From '92 to '98 there were 433 votes our salamander-like friend could have voted on. He was present to vote on 219. That's about 50% of the time he was doing his job. As a matter of fact, it seems he didn't vote on nearly ANYTHING important. Abortion, free trade, juvenile crime, nothing. So let's just focus on the time he was present and earning half of what we, as citizens, paid him, shall we? Oh, wait... we really can't. It seems Mr. Gingrich is a little too busy running around on / divorcing / ignoring his wives to be bothered with anything the American people hold dear. Looking at his voting record, it seems like he's a bit too busy destroying the sanctity of marriage with one foot in his mouth, while running away from accountability with the other.

So where does he stand on the latest turd the senate has squeezed out? Let's see: Oops... looks like we can't.

Okay, fine, so let's take a look at his "solutions" then, shall we?

Well for starters, it looks like Newt wants to beg borrow and steal notions that worked for bygone presidents in bygone eras. On Jobs and economy, he says:

America only works when Americans are working. Newt has a pro-growth strategy similar to the proven policies used when he was Speaker to balance the budget, pay down the debt, and create jobs.

Now, while I agree to a certain degree with the first seven words of that statement, it seems to me (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that when charmander was Speaker, Clinton was president. A democrat, by the way, who not only balanced the budget, but left office with a surplus that his successor promptly obliterated. In this same "solution" area, he claims a want to "Strengthen the dollar by returning to the Reagan-era monetary policies that stopped runaway inflation." Really, charmander? Reaganomics? That's your bold new idea?

Hey, Newt? The eighties just called, they want their economic policies back.

Now, how about healthcare? There's a big topic. What's Newt's big new idea on this? Oh... there really isn't one. It's the same nonsense that the right has been spouting since day one, and it all boils down to: privatize health insurance, and let the poor people sort it out. That's no solution. I'm still waiting on a solution, charmander, the damned heading of the page is called solutions, now give me one! Newt seems to think "We must repeal and replace the left's big government health bill with real solutions that will lower costs and improve health outcomes." You know what would be a great real solution that will lower costs and improve health outcomes? UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE! Dare I say it? Some of you may want to cover your eyes... SOCIALIZED MEDICINE! There's a reason Canada and the United Kingdom (not to mention a few other places) have one manifestation or another of socialized medicine. It fucking works! Have you ever seen a Canadian digging through the garbage for a peach pit, taking their child to the emergency room for a cold, or dying from some minor affliction simply because they didn't have the money for the good medical care? I haven't.

One of the more glaringly disturbing pieces on this hemorrhoid of a website is the section where charmander talks about protecting life and religious liberty. I'm going to tackle these piles of shit one by one. Ready?

"Nominate conservative judges who are committed to upholding Constitutional limited government and understand that the role of the judges is to interpret the law, not legislate from the bench."

See, there's again, a fundamental flaw here. Conservatives, in your definition, mean right wing nutjobs. Right wing nutjobs Think it is their sole charge in life to legislate morality. Either you're full of shit, or you're an idiot.

"Combat judicial activism by utilizing checks on judicial power Constitutionally available to the elected branches of government."

1) Stop using the word "combat." it's a concept a draft dodger like yourself would never know. B) That's what the branches of government were set up for in the first damned place, any grade-schooler knows this! You might as well be telling me you're going to institute a program that will officially declare water to be wet!

"End taxpayer subsidies for abortion by repealing Obamacare, defunding Planned Parenthood, and reinstating the “Mexico City Policy” which banned funding to organizations that promote and/or perform abortions overseas."

Wow... just wow. Yeah, there's a great idea, let's roll back any progress we've made as a civilized society, what are we, Wal-mart?! De-fund planned parenthood? Seriously?! What's going to happen when you do this, and in 2 years you have 14 interns beating down your door to serve you with child support orders, naughty, naughty Newt? Funding for planned parenthood minimizes the need for women to go overseas to get abortions, and abortions are NOT the only service planned parenthood provides. They also provide education for young women to avoid getting pregnant in the first place.

"Protect religious expression in the public square such as crosses, crèches and menorahs."

Religious expression, and religious freedom are not the same thing. I will direct you to an interesting piece written quite some time ago for reference, it's called the 1st amendment.

"Protect healthcare workers right to conscience by making sure they are not forced to participate in or refer procedures such as abortion."

You know, for a guy who rarely voted on any abortion issues, you sure have a lot to say about it. Healthcare workers are bound by the Hippocratic oath. Healthcare workers who don't want to participate in or refer such procedures need not practice that area of medicine. However, if a woman's doctor finds that pregnancy will endanger the life of the carrying mother, s/he is bound by that oath to offer alternatives to death. It's a first, do no harm kind of thing.

 "Protect the rights of home-schooled children by ensuring they have the same access to taxpayer funded, extra-curricular educational opportunities as any public school student."

They already do. Not only that, in most states, the home-schooling parent is obligated to follow a curriculum, and several set guidelines to ensure that their children are being adequately educated.

"Protect the rights of teachers to use historical examples involving religion in their classroom. Nor should they be discouraged from answering questions about religion or discussing it objectively in the classroom."

The key word here is objectively, and unfortunately, I've found atheists to be the most objective when dealing with religion. Unless the class is about religion, it need not enter the curricula except as explanation. If you muddy these waters, you WILL have teachers proselytizing.

"Protect the frail, infirm and the elderly from the state’s arbitrary decision to terminate life."

I'm sorry, when has this ever been the state's decision? Perhaps in case where the patient was a ward of the state, but how long has that been?

Okay, you know what? Yes. Yes, we need to be afraid of this... "man." Why? Because right now, he's too close to the GOP nomination for my comfort, not to mention the comfort of millions of gay, black, Hispanic, and female Americans. If he gets into office and does nothing, we're fucked, and if he gets into office and does what he says he will, we're definitely fucked. Educate yourselves.