Solve For Why

Last year, I did a rather short, yet not necessarily sweet post about X-mas titled Solve For X. If you haven't understood yet, yes, this is a companion piece. Rather than go through the same ridiculous drudgery of yet again trying to explain that it doesn't fucking matter what you wish someone this holiday season, as long as it's well, I think I'll simply offer some food for thought.

"...administering medicine to the dead" and all that.

Do you wish people Merry Christmas? Good. That's very nice of you.
Do wish them a Happy Hannu... channu... chana... festival of lights? Good. That's nice as well.
Do wish them a Happy Kwanzaa? Also nice.
Joyous solstice? Nice.
Fun Saturnalia? Nice.

And guess what? Happy Holidays? Also a very nice thing to wish someone.

I guess the point is: STOP FUCKING WHINING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY! Seriously, the appropriate response to any sentiment that can be easily interpreted as " I wish pleasantries for you and your family at this time of year, and bear no ill will toward you" is "thank you."

A simple "thank you."

That's all that's required.

Many people see fit to correct you if you wish them the wrong thing. Many want to provide you with an in depth dissertation that tediously meanders through all their reasoning (whether backed up by solid arguments, or not) as to why what they want you to say is the correct form of greeting. I know this is decidedly uncharacteristic of me, but it truly, honestly, absolutely does not matter a single half of an iota what words someone uses to wish you well.

You're missing the point.

The point is that they are wishing you well. They aren't trying to tell you that 2+2= π, they are offering you good tidings. Period.

The proper response is "thank you."

Or "you as well."

Or "same to you."

Hell, even "ditto" is better than some hipster looking askance at you while seething about what you should have said, beard dripping with self-righteous douchebaggery.

This season... and I mean this with all sincerity... this season I truly do wish the best for each and every one of you. Whatever your preferred celebration is titled, I want you to have a good one, or a merry one, or a happy one, or a joyous one, or a pleasant one.

In other words: At this time of year, when many people are celebrating many things, each in their own way, I wish no harm or ill will toward you and yours.

I'm not saying that won't change later, or next year, or next decade. Hell, I might want some of you to take a long walk off a short cliff later, who knows. As for right now, however, and in the foreseeable future, I thank each and every one of you readers from the bottom of my evil, black heart, and I wish you the best. Whatever that best is to you.

You're welcome.

Double Action, Single Use

You knew this was coming.

Guns are not toys. Everyone knows this, and I think we can all agree.

Neither, however, are guns tools. Get your itchy fingers off the triggers, I'm not done yet.

Guns are weapons. Period. End of fucking sentence.

Weapons have one purpose: to kill. Additional fucking period.

I know some of you are already crying out in protest, "but guns is a huntin' tool!" But you're wrong. Guns are a weapon for hunting. What is the purpose of hunting again? Oh, yeah, to kill stuff.

I can feel the heat from some of your death stares already. Simmer the fuck down, it'll be worth it.

The second amendment CLEARLY and EXPLICITLY states:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

I wholeheartedly and unabashedly agree with this, and would defend this right of each and every one of us citizens, should it ever come to that. That being said, shit's getting out of hand.

I love... LOVE the fact that we, as a nation, are capable of sending out a team of a handful of people armed with Barrett M107s to reduce a target from a mile and a half out. You want to talk about reaching out and touching someone? Holy shit. It's a beautiful thing. What a lot of people don't realize, however, is why it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing because it means we can carefully and efficiently reduce threats with minimum casualties. No innocent bystanders. No whoopsies. There's the target's head, make it go away, and let's go get a beer. Done.Tank? No problem. Box truck full of explosives? Gone before it's a threat.

These are things a well-regulated militia does, and I'm proud and immeasurably glad they can and do accomplish these things. That being said, there is no reason - none, whatsoever - that any civilian needs to privately own a weapon system capable of cutting a platoon in half from a mile away. It's overkill in every sense of the word.

There are many, many people out there, clinging to their guns for dear life, praying to a non-existent god that the big, scary black man in the white house won't take them away. Fucking relax. That's simply not going to happen. I'm all in favor of people being able to defend themselves. I'm all in favor of the right to bear arms. That doesn't mean the obligation to bear arms, and it sure as hell doesn't mean the right to equip yourself with a fully automatic Kalishnikov, 10,000 incendiary armor piercing rounds, and 100 round drums.

What.
The fuck.
Are you hunting?

What.
The fuck.
Are you defending yourself against?

If your home is stormed by a tank battalion wearing body armor, I'm not the least bit concerned about whether you have the means to fend them off or not. I want to know what the fuck you did to warrant the government spending money on a full scale operation to extract your ass.

Okay, right-wingers. Here's your payoff. Despite the fact that I might lean slightly to the left (some of you may have noticed). I don't believe more gun laws are the answer.

I'll go one step further.

More gun laws are NOT the answer.

Why?

This is a well regulated militia.

THIS IS NOT!

Some of you may be saying (about the second image) "but they probably didn't get those guns legally!"

Precisely.

So what exactly will more laws do? Do you really think people who are hellbent on breaking two or three laws are going to draw the line at four? We don't need more gun laws, and we don't need stricter gun laws. We humans are apex predators, and murder is as old as the human race. People WILL break the law, and those people are NOT going to stop and think about it first because they might break two instead. It's asinine. By example, until 1963, many states listed suicide as a felony.

Let me say that again...

Until 1963 (when all but six states repealed their suicide legislation), many states listed suicide as a felony.

Do you think this stopped people from bumping themselves off?

Does anyone remember what happened with that whole prohibition thing?

Pot is still illegal in most states, and it's easily one of the biggest cash crops this nation has. Prohibition of alcohol made millionaires (some who went on to produce some of our greatest politicians). So what do you think will happen if we panic, and start outlawing firearms?

If you said, "a huge market will open up for illegal gun trade, thereby making some people filthy fucking rich" you just won a cookie.

So what's the answer?

You're not going to like it. The answer is simple, but it requires a lot of work.

Education.

You don't tackle the obesity problem by writing stricter fork laws; you educate fat people.

You don't tackle juvenile diabetes by outlawing sugary drinks over a certain size; you educate the parents of those at-risk juveniles.

You don't tackle the violence problem in the U.S. by tightening the legislative noose on guns; you educate the people who have access to them, and in this day and age, that means "everyone."

Will education eradicate the problem? No, certainly not. There will always be bad people. It will, however, reduce the risk. It's only one piece of what needs to be a multi-faceted, interdisciplinary solution that also includes proper mental healthcare. In other words, it's a long, laborious fucking process. That doesn't mean it can't be done.

One thing is certain: The quick, knee-jerk solution will not work.

If history has taught us anything, it's that reducing the rights of any group of people is never met with supplication.

Perspective.

                At about 8 o’clock this morning, my wife and I were trying to figure out what to do about cigarettes. We usually make our own, but this morning, there were about a dozen tubes left. That means, of course, that I’m going to have to go to Rite Aid™ later and get a box. Not really a big deal, the store is a few blocks away, and an easy walk, but still a bit of a pain in the ass, because I have work I have to get done today. I’m going to be chained to the computer most of the day. I have deadlines to meet. So what’s our solution? She decided to send me to the corner store to tap the ATM for a couple bucks, grab a transitional pack of smokes in the meantime with a coupon, and withdraw a couple bucks to go get tubes later when I get the chance. It’s a good plan. Hell, I might as well take out a few more so I can begrudgingly go up to the Chop Shop on South Street and get my hair cut. I hate getting my hair cut, but part of being married means giving over aesthetic control to your wife. It’s a pain in the ass, but it has to be done, or there will be a nonsensical argument, and probably some name calling. So, off to the corner store I go.

                I tap the ATM, intending to take out 30 bucks, but the damned pain in the ass thing only dispenses twenties. 20 won’t cut it for what I need today, and 40 might earn me a free dirty look from the Mrs. Solution? Take out 40, give 10 to my wife. I’d like her to eat later, too. I go up to the counter with my coupon and some cash, and wait. Why am I waiting? The shopkeeper hasn’t noticed me yet. He’s busy preparing stacks of lotto paperwork. He’s 3 feet away. He still doesn’t see me. I’m the only one in the store. My wife has to go to work. He still hasn’t seen me. I’m getting annoyed. I clear my throat, and he still hasn’t looked at me. I come to this store at least once a day, what the fuck? Come on, dude! He’s still playing with those damn lotto tickets.

                As I’m waiting, and bitching in my head, a man walks in. He’s dirty; obviously homeless. His dog tags make less of a clink and more of a muted clunk, because they’re caked with who knows what. I hope he doesn’t come too close. I don’t do too well with people in general, and my experience in this city with the homeless has jaded me, even though I was one once. They aren’t like I was. A lot of them stay on the streets because they want to. They call themselves “train kids.” They go from city to city panhandling enough to get liquored up until they’re bored, and move on to the next city via train (this I know, because I had a conversation with a group of them before they demanded that I move on because, and I quote, they were “working”).

                The disheveled veteran (I assume he’s a veteran, because who else in their mid-forties / fifties walks around wearing dog tags) shuffles into the store. The door is propped open, because it’s already a beautiful day. As he ambles in, something halts him. It’s the wire coming from his prosthetic arm. He has one of those old-fashioned steel and plastic harness-type hooks instead of a left arm, and one of the cables caught the edge of the door. Now I feel bad. I’m bitching about stupid, mundane, everyday bullshit, and this guy went and left his left arm somewhere halfway across the world to protect my privilege to do so. I catch myself hanging my head in shame, and no one knows why but me. I watch him turn around. I’m assuming he’s going to unhook himself, for which I’m glad, because watching this pains me. He doesn’t unhook himself.

                Why?

                He doesn’t have a right arm, either.

Fuck.

Not even a hook.

I want to show him some sort of respect, but how?

Somehow, I don’t think a salute is appropriate.

He does a 360, and unhooks himself flawlessly.

He’s done this before.

Many times.

As I walk by, all I can think to do is smile, tip my hat, and whisper “thank you.”

I can barely get it out.

I will never forget this morning, and I won’t be complaining about too much today.

Reason #666 Why I'm an Atheist.

Here's a typical, garden variety, everyday conversation I have on a near-daily basis, broken down mathematically, for fellow nerds:

• Religious Zealot: I believe X.
• Me: That intrigues me. Why, when there is so much evidence for Y, do you believe in X?
• Religious Zealot: Because the Bible says X is true.
• Me: I see, but what non-biblical corroborating evidence do you have to support X, that opposes the evidence in support of Y, which people have accepted on the basis of sources A,B,C,and D?
• Religious Zealot: OMG STOP ATTACKING ME! X IS TRUE!!!!!!
• Me: I'm not attacking you, I'm asking you why you believe X is true simply because the bible says it's true, when clearly, there is a preponderance of evidence based on scientific experimentation and empirical data that definitively shows Y to be the truth.
• Religious Zealot: Y is just a theory! The BIBLE says X is the truth, and I BELIEVE THE BIBLE BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS THE BIBLE IS TRUE! Now STOP attacking and hating me, you soul-less, blasphemous, heathen! You're going to HELL for ALL of eternity. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE SUCH HATRED FOR ME!!!!! 
• Me: ... Seriously?

 Here's the thing: I whole-heartedly support anyone's Constitutional right to believe in whatever they wish. Unequivocally. With one caveat: If what you believe begins to interfere with any of the Constitutional rights of any American citizen (be it education, marriage, or otherwise), I , and others like me, will challenge your beliefs. Not only should such beliefs be challenged, it is MY Constitutional right, Which is neither more, nor less important than yours, to do so. 

 When superstition causes a group of people to deliberately seek out and destroy another group of people's rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness using legislation for which religion is the obvious catalyst, it is simply wrong. There is a vast array of other words to describe it, but purely speaking, it's just wrong. It's wrong on a fundamental level in that such religion-based legislation is both implicitly and explicitly forbidden by the single most important governing document of the United States: The Constitution. 

 The same Amendment that gives you the right to practice whatever religion you wish also gives me the right to challenge those beliefs. This amendment, the very first one, also expressly demands separation of church and state. Question is not equal to hatred. "Why?" is not an attack. 

 Religious Zealots, particularly Christians in the U.S., continue to try to strip Constitutional rights away from select groups of other U.S. citizens with ridiculous and hateful legislation like Prop 8 in California, and now, Amendment 1 in North Carolina. When will we learn to respect people, regardless of their birth? With any luck, this abomination will be repealed, and your children will be less ashamed of you. 

 You can NOT base your perception of reality on one single text, simply because that text claims itself to be true. By that rationale, I can argue that I am God. Since you can't disprove it, does that make me right? What If I say, "I am God, and I say that what I just said is true." Now, you're in a bind, aren't you? Do you dare to disbelieve me, and risk an eternity in hell, because I love you so much that I'm going to punish you forever for arguing with me? You can't argue a point with any validity by saying "I believe X because I believe it, so it's true." That's called delusion, and it's a sign of mental illness. 

 Don't believe me? Disprove it.

Three Revolutionaries Walk Into a Bar...

 HOLY SHIT! YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE, YOU KNOW THAT?! (You know who you are).

 Let me be very fucking explicit here, and I mean that in the definitive sense, not the connotative "I'm about to use naughty words" sense (though the latter is certainly also true).

 Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Seriously. It's a matter of scientific fucking fact. It's a little area called Genetics, and it is awesome in every sense of the word. If you'd pick up a book other than the one full of fairy tales, you'd know that.

 With the new aberration just passed in Podunk, N.C., there is an awful lot of celebratory gunfire and yee-hawing going on, but what you people (and I use that term very loosely right now) don't seem to realize is that YOU are OPPRESSING a HUGE population of human beings. People just like you (with the exception that you have more rights now). Those of you who just reached voting age, your parents might be appalled. Why? Because your parents are the ones that cried out for equality and got the ban on inter-racial marriage repealed in 1971.

 What the fuck is wrong with you people that you have this primal need to squash one group or another under foot? Seriously, someone explain it to me. In terms I can understand. Scientific terms. Give me facts. Give me evidence. Don't sit there and tell me you're against something because your interpretation of one interpretation of one religious sect's book of fables tells you so. It's bullshit. It's a cop out. it's fucking lazy!

 So here are a few facts for you (those of you who are devoutly religious, myopic, and don't like things like evidence, facts, or proof may want to navigate away from this blog now if you haven't already):

•  America was NOT founded on the King James Bible. It was founded on Democratic ideals. These ideals were the direct catalyst for the birth of this nation. The Constitution states ALL men are created equal. Period. Not just white men, not just heterosexual men, and not just Christian men. ALL FUCKING MEN! 
• The line in the Pledge of Allegiance that says "under god" was added in the 1950s as a knee-jerk reaction to communism. This means that for those of you who are constantly posting in Facebook about how "when I was a kid, the Pledge of Allegiance stated "under god." You're grandparents never did. Your point is invalid.
• Evolution is a fucking fact. It's been proven just like Gravity, Heliocentrism, many theories in Genetics, and Thermodynamics. If you drop shit, it falls down. The Earth revolves around the sun (and by the way, is also round). Many deviations in human development can be traced to one gene or another, and homo sapiens share a common ancestor with other great apes. Fucking deal with it.
• Homosexuality is a matter of genetics, not choice. Period. Full stop. It isn't only found in Hominids, it's actually found in something like 400 species. It's been proven repeatedly. 
• Questions are not attacks. This one really fucking infuriates me. I am NOT attacking you when I ask "why?" I'm asking you to support your position. If you ask me to support my position, I will do so. I understand that you may be trying to understand where I'm coming from, and I welcome the opportunity to impart any amount of the knowledge I've gained through formal study, or empirically. Stop with the oppressed majority bullshit!
• "It's true because the bible says it's true" is NOT a valid argument. Stop using it. By that rationale, anything I write is true as long as I include statements in that piece that assert its veracity. Again, this is a lazy cop out because thinking is too hard for you. KNOCK IT OFF!

 As far as voting to ban marriage between same sex couples (because let's call it what it is, it isn't "gay marriage" it's just "marriage"), in a state that still legally allows marriage between first cousins, that's pretty fucking ballsy. You CAN NOT base legislature on your bible. By doing so, you are not just ostracizing homosexuals, you're also ostracizing anyone who isn't Christian, and that is something that The Constitution of The United States, a document I grew up with and hold very dear (as should all of you who enjoy its freedoms), STRICTLY and EXPLICITLY forbids.

 What you rabidly proud bible thumpers don't seem to be able to grasp, as much as you pride yourselves on being " 'Mericans," is that even if the Bible, the Qu'ran, the Torah, the Book of the Dead, and The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster ALL were against homosexuality, you STILL could not base legislature on them, thanks to separation of church and state. 

 Another fact for you: I am a happily married heterosexual man. That's right, supporting other human's rights doesn't immediately make me one of those humans. It simply means I believe in EQUAL rights. Were it the 1960s, I would fully support desegregation. That doesn't automatically make me black anymore than supporting equality in marriage makes me gay. I also support no-kill shelters. That doesn't make me a dog, or a cat, does it?

 Stop trying to legislate morality! Stop trying to cram your unfounded religious drivel down everyone's throat. If you were really as Christian as you claim to be, you would love your fellow man, and turn the other cheek. You can't cherry pick the parts of your magical tome by which you choose to abide any more than you can cherry pick which laws you're not going to break.

*This blog post is absolutely true. There, it's been said. No denying it now.

Right Wing Mythbuster.

 Isn't it funny how the people that believe this country was founded by people seeking religious freedom are the ones trying to cram Christianity down everyone's throat? Here are a few right-wing myths set beside the actual facts for your perusal:

 "Obama is a socialist nigger from Kenya!" 

 He's actually mixed race democrat from Hawaii, by way of Illinois (though why anyone would chose to move from Hawaii to Illinois is beyond me). Although his father was Kenyan, his mother was a stark white women, and natural born citizen of the United States, married to his father prior to his birth. Personally, I think a majority of the idiotic hate that Obama faces can more appropriately be tracked to the fact that his father married, and vigorously fucked a white woman. Something the tiny minds of the religious right just can't accept, but don't want to publicly say they can't accept.

 "If them fags are allowed to marry each other because of their choice of lifestyle, why can't I marry a horse?" 

 Because homosexuals don't have a choice in their orientation, they're born with it. Whom you love is not a matter of choice, it's a matter of heart, and no human being should be denied the right to marry another human being (assuming both humans are of equal maturity and intelligence, and of legal age to do so). You can't marry a horse because it wouldn't be a mutual decision, as marriage is, and marriage is an exclusively human rite. In addendum, animals are not granted rights under the Constitution of The United States as citizens. Although what you chose to do with your junk is your own business (and what anyone else chooses to do with their junk is their business, incidentally), your argument here, is asinine, banal, juvenile, ill-founded, and pedantic.

"Poor people are lazy, and just want me to hand them my money!"

 Most poor people are not lazy. most poor people are poor because they're shouldering more than their fair share of a burden that is the responsibility of the entire working nation. We poor people don't want YOUR money, we just want our own, and we're sick of donating a majority of the pittance we break our backs, bleed, sweat, and raise callouses on our fingers for to your lobbying efforts, political campaigns, bailouts, and tax relief.

"Non-christians are Satanic heathens!"

 Nope. Muslims, who practice the Islamic religion, worship an analogue of your god that they call Allah, Buddhists worship an analogue of your god (albeit much less self-centered and vengeful) that they call Buddha, and Atheists worship no god. Satanism is, by definition, a religion; one whose practitioners worship Satan.

"My kid should be allowed to pray in school! They're stomping on my religious freedom!" 

 Your kid IS allowed to pray in school. There is nothing barring your child, or any other, from praying while in school, or any other public place. There ARE, however, conventions set forth by our forefathers protecting the rights of EVERYONE. Not just your kid. Prayer IS allowed in public school, it just isn't, and shouldn't be mandatory. You'd be just as pissed off if public schools taught the Qu'ran, or (god forbid) the Torah, because what you actually mean is: "My kid isn't forced to pray in school." Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, and therefore, religion is not mandated in public schools. You can, however, take the money I'm saving you by paying your share of the taxes that go to those public schools, and put your child in a private, charter, or catholic school, where they have entire classes dedicated to non-standard, ELECTIVE subjects such as religion. Ironically, though, you're forcing your child to participate in a religion that may or may not fit with their beliefs.

Makes Me So Mad, I Could... Oh, Never Mind.

 STOP FUCKING SPITTING! What is the matter with you people? At home, fine. If you're having a bad reaction to the diseased cock you just put in your mouth for a double cheeseburger, fine. If you're having an epileptic fit, or a grand mal seizure, fine, but other than a very select, very few reasons, there is absolutely no justifiable cause for spitting in public. It's just fucking nasty. What are you doing, marking your territory with your mouth? Showing your displeasure at the taste of the air? Paying homage to a long antiquated wild west display of disgust? Intentionally insulting someone whom you don't feel is worth words? Go classy, and bite your thumb! There is no reason someone ought to be showered with bits offal from your eighteen dollar soup and sandwich on the way back to the office.

 Spitting out something that's disgusting, or gone bad, or caused an unpleasant reaction in your gut at home is one thing. Sometimes, it's necessary. Spitting on the god damned sidewalk where people are trying to walk by is another altogether. There's no justification for it. No one should have to worry about being projectile drooled on while walking down the street. It's disgusting. Don't believe me? Close your eyes, and picture a complete stranger spitting directly into your mouth. Picture their unsolicited glob of saliva and flecks of cheap fast food hamburger smacking into your uvula, and clinging for dear life before dropping offensively down your throat. Not pretty, is it? The same goes for snot rockets. KNOCK IT OFF! There is one place, and one place ONLY where snot rockets are even remotely close to being almost possibly acceptable, and that's in a boxing ring. So, I'll tell you what, if you want to act like you're in a boxing ring in my presence, how about if I do too? You go ahead and hurry past the throngs of innocent bystanders on the sidewalk, and when you close up one nostril to forcibly eject all the wisdom in your head from the other, I'll take my cue and punch the ever loving bejesus out of you for millions of dollars. Does that work?

 "But I have a cold."

 I don't give a bleeding blue shit if you have walking pneumonia. If you have a cold, and you're aware that you have a cold, 1) it's all the more reason you shouldn't be arming and firing snot rockets into public. You've now just admitted you're engaging in germ warfare. Asshole. B) CARRY A FUCKING PACK OF TISSUES! They make them in travel size for a reason. So people like you don't go around infecting people like us, who don't want to be sick! It's bad enough to have to hear the arduous calling up of phlegm from your chest and sinuses as you prepare what you hope to be the world's greatest ball of mucous. It's disgusting, and frankly, arrogant to assume that I'm going to get any kind of joy from dodging it!

 There are times and places when sharing your bodily fluids is acceptable, even welcome and condoned. The sidewalk of the town I love is not one of those places... at any time. Keep your bodily fluids to yourself; especially if they're speckled with disease. I'm seriously considering carrying a supply of beakers around with me, just to catch the frothy globs so I can hurriedly whip them back into the faces of the knuckle dragging, paint chip eating, yokels who think it's okay to expel their saliva, snot, chaw, and dignity where I'm about to walk. Are there other disgusting habits? Sure. Of course. People have often told me that smoking is a disgusting habit, but you know what? At least I have the courtesy to not share the tendrils of cigarette smoke emitting from my nostrils with people unbidden. As a matter of fact, I've been known to intentionally not smoke when explicitly asked... or in a movie theatre... or in the middle of a restaurant... or on a plane... or in a baby's face... or any other area where it's banned... none of these can be said of spitters, or snot rocketeers, and they have the added horror of being the 21st century's answer to plague bearing rats.

 Maybe this is what's wrong with people today. Maybe stupid really is contagious.

Don't End With A Propositional Phase.

 Can we please focus on shit that matters now? Seriously, the big game against central is over, enough already. I know I've already tackled football, but this banal, boorish blemish on American society as a whole needs a time-out. Can we, as a nation - as adults - huddle up and discuss more pressing issues? Like maybe the recent sacking of Prop H8? That strikes me as a pretty big fucking deal.

 Now, I know homophobes everywhere are mad about the robust grudge fuck Prop 8 took, but that's just tough shit. The fact is, even if you drain all the humanity out of it, and look at it exclusively from the most capitalistic point of view, it makes good, sound business sense. Put the humanity back into it, and voila! Now, you're looking at something that is a win for the LGBT community, or as I like to call them, my fellow human beings who happen to have different tastes (in some, but certainly not all) cases.  You know, homo sapiens? I know a lot of people need that link, because they don't want to believe we've evolved from a species with it's origin in Africa. They're deathly afraid of being related to... BLACK PEOPLE! (Did they scatter)? Never mind that; it's for another rant for another day.

 Here's the thing: there shouldn't be a rift between the general populace on the legalization of something that ought never to have been illegal in the first place! Perhaps I'm daft. Maybe I just don't get it, but I simply can't wrap my head around the abysmal hypocrisy of a select privileged handful of lechers and adulterers, trying once again to legislate morality. Especially when it comes to bemoaning the sanctity of marriage. I may be a complete asshole, and I may be slightly misanthropic, but damn it, love is love. Period! It's not something one can explain, legislate, or break into square, linear, black and white definitions. Why, then, is this even an issue?

 "You want to marry a man? Fine. WAIT A MINUTE! YOU ARE A MAN!? Well, that's no good. Nope. Can't do it." 

 Huh?

 At risk of sounding arrogant and obtuse, I think there is at least a handful of more important things we ought to be worrying about right now, rather than whom one can or can not marry, like... I don't know... figuring out who's least likely to fuck over the ever increasing throng of impoverished families in the U.S. over the next four years? Just a thought. Maybe it's be a good idea to pay attention to that, so we're not pissing and moaning about how poorly that person is doing their job before they've even got halfway through their term? Furthermore, WHAT BLOODY SENSE DOES IT MAKE FOR IT TO BE PERFECTLY LEGAL TO MARRY BLOOD RELATIVES, AS LONG AS THEY ARE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!? Sorry for the Brian Blessed moment, but it truly flummoxes me that in 25 states, you can marry your first cousin, as long as you don't both have the same type of junk. It seems to me, a great number of these chimps flinging their feces at the LGBT community have hailed from these states. Is there a connection?

 Who knows, we can't subject them to the kinds of tests I'd like to, because of that whole "ethics" thing. I'll tell you this, though, I for one welcome the legalization of same sex marriage (also called "marriage"). If you've got the heart, and the sincerity, and the loyalty, and the constitution to dedicate the rest of your days to a mutual reciprocation of love and trust, then as far as I'm concerned, you've earned the right to be proud of it, and walk through life as a legitimately married couple, reaping all the benefits of any other.The fact that there are married couples that haven't earned and continue not earning the privileges that they take for granted are allowed to stand up and falsely claim undying love to each other while couples that are truly in love are barred from having that same rite (see what I did there?) is truly criminal.

 

Hypocrisy Abounds

 GOD DAMN IT! When are people going to fucking realize that "pro-choice" does NOT mean "I want to kill your children!?" It means pro fucking choice. Choice. Remember that word? Choice? Here, I'll break it down for you:

choice
Noun: An act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.
noun.  selection - option - pick - election - assortment

 As you can see (assuming you are capable of synthesizing this information) CHOICE, as opposed to COMPULSION, is more in line with what the forefathers of our country had in mind in most things. It's what this nation was fucking founded on! By being pro CHOICE, I am not compelling YOU to do one thing or another, I'm standing up for YOUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE!

 Assholes.

 I'm so fucking exhausted with having to explain this shit, I really am. My belief that a person has a RIGHT to choose does not have any affect whatsoever on your CHOICE. That's for you to decide. Personally, I find it offensive that people find my support of their right to have options presented to them, rather than be compelled one way or another, offensive. What the fervent, flying fuck do you not understand?

 Now... let me take a breath and try to handle this with ever so slightly more decorum:

 No, I am not a woman, but I do support the idea that you ought to have the right to decide what to do with your body. ESPECIALLY if you weren't given the option to intentionally place it into a state of gestation.

 No, I have never given birth, but I do believe that as a citizen of the United States of America, you are granted certain unalienable rights. Among them life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If bearing children impedes your right to life, you should have the option to make a decision about that. If it strips your right to liberty (I.E. You weren't consulted on the idea of becoming pregnant), you should be allowed options. If it halts you in your pursuit of happiness (for instance, the child will most likely be stillborn, or is the product of rape, or is likely to kill you in the process of becoming full term), you ought to be granted alternatives. Notice how in NONE of those arguments did I say "You ought to scrape it out." Again, I'm not insisting that you believe as I do, I'm staunchly defending your right to believe what you wish!

 No, I've never been pregnant, but I'm not forcing my beliefs onto you and insisting that you do it my way because if you don't the invisible man in the sky will get you.

 Here's the thing: it seems to me that a vast majority of pro-lifers (the ones killing all the abortion doctors) are ultra-conservative, right wing, republican, super-rich psycho-Christians. That's fine. I wholeheartedly support their right to choose that option. While I don't agree with it, one of the fundamental things that I believe in my core is that in this country, we all have the right to follow our own pathos and ideologies. (Yes, I used the word "pathos" intentionally).

 What I'm having trouble understanding is this: These are the same people that want to shirk their civic duties and responsibilities to the progress of the nation as a whole. They want their money to be their money, and no one else's. They don't want to pay taxes, they don't want government, and they don't want you to disagree with them. These are the anti-welfare, anti-unemployment, anti-healthcare reform, anti-poor-people people. If people don't have the option, the CHOICE, or the education necessary to make the right decisions for their lives, or correct mistakes made by themselves, or mistakes made by other people but forced onto them, they will encumber society. Don't you get it? YOU'RE SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE WALLET!

 Planned Parenthood isn't about "killing babies." For starters, in cases of abortion, the cells removed are not yet proven to be viable. More importantly, however, (as the title of the establishment would suggest) it's about "planned" parenthood. It's about education, so that young people can make better decisions. So, stop railing against them because you seem to think all they do is scrape out unwanted babies.

 As far as all you people who insist that any collection of cells that is capable of holding and maintaining life should be protected, don't be so fucking sanctimonious. A tumor is a collection of living cells. A parasite is a collection of living cells. That lemongrass smoothie you got from Hoity-Toity's House of Douchebaggery before going to the office to rape consumers out of their hard earned cash was a collection of living cells. Yogurt? Living cells. Cheese? Living cells. Salad? Living fucking cells.

 Oh, and before you chime in with the standard-issue question that's supposed to make me change my mind, ("What if your mom chose to abort you?") she wouldn't have. I was conceived (albeit, to the chagrin of many) on purpose. That is a bullshit argument built on a horse shit foundation, because guess what? When I was born, my mother did, in fact, have a choice. She chose to afflict the world with me anyway.

Touchdown Syndrome

 So here's the thing. I'm at the corner store earlier, trying to procure a Monster (not the little penny ante can, either, the big fucker) and something to munch on to help me trudge through an already exhausting day, and these giant fat fucks, (that's right, I said fat, go ahead and try to bust me for a hate crime, you litigious self righteous assholes!) in a display that is at the apex of knuckle-dragging douchebaggery, decided to clog the one and only aisle to the register so they could discuss... you guessed it... FOOTBALL!

 Really?

 Is that really fucking necessary!? Okay, I get it, this is America, and in America, we don't go out and play demanding sports, or engage in strenuous activity, we pay people gazillions of dollars so they can do it for us while we sit at home stuffing our faces with nachos, small pieces of mechanically separated chicken that come in ever growing buckets, beer, and on occasion, our own fingers (since we're not paying attention to anything aside from the big apes wearing the pretty colors on T.V.), but what, pray tell, is the logic behind parking your otherwise sedentary ass in my way to discuss and debate how aptly the team you prefer performed against the other team? It was like a damned poorly written skit; two sweaty, gihugic fuckers in sweatpants and hoodies adorned with their precious teams' logos like they're being sponsored in a knock down, drag-out, gasp-for-air-fest.

 If these guys were waiting for something from the deli, I could understand, but they weren't.
 If they were waiting for their counterparts to check out, I could understand, but they weren't.
 If they'd had the civility to move when I asked politely if I could get by, I could understand, but they didn't.
 If they had let me go on about my business without trying to engage me in their nonsensical debate, I could understand, but they didn't.

 So what did they do to incur my ire?

 They mocked me.

 At first, it was a simple inquiry as to which team I preferred. I informed the gorillas that I don't follow football, and that was met with disbelief and a healthy dose of scoffing. I shrugged. I just wanted to get back to what I was doing. Then the smaller one, let's call him Jabba junior, turned to face me, thus COMPLETELY blocking the aisle with his overflowing girth (yes, the same aisle, if you remember, that I was trying to pass through to get to the register) to ask me if I lived under a rock.

 "I can assure you that I don't live under a rock. I simply don't enjoy watching a bunch of jocks run around after an oblong ball, and getting paid millions of dollars to play a game. Frankly, it pisses me off. If you could do me the kindness of moving, I'd like to get back to work now."

 He asked what I do. I told him. I write.

 I was not aware that writing is such a mirth inspiring occupation. Granted, I do on occasion attempt to entertain, but not by the simple fact of announcing my livelihood. I was not aware that so many jokes could be made about writers. I was not aware that as a writer, I was beneath them. I was not aware that collecting disability was a far nobler vocation (and yes, I asked them, and that's what they both do). I was not aware that I needed to apologize for insulting football players by claiming that they make too much money to simply play a game.

 Why, if someone can tell me, is it still okay for GROWN FUCKING ADULTS to act like high-schoolers? I wasn't entirely sure I was going to get out of there without having to defend myself from a swirly. This is what is wrong with people these days. Forty-somethings can be bothered to congregate in the single thoroughfare of a convenience store and get red eared and bluster about whichever professional game player they favor, yet disturbing them while idle for any cause of actual importance is of no use.

WHY?!

Perhaps I am socially retarded. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that people will sequester themselves indoors to basically watch grown kids get paid a fuckload of money to play in an oversized sandbox, then venture out of doors to annoy people who have lives with their ceaseless prattling, yet if you ask them for any sort of action, be it taking action to try to better society, or something as simple as floating the fuck out of my way, such a request is met with scorn and mockery.

 So, I'm sorry, fellas, for making you stretch the elastic on those sweat pants just a hair more. Didn't mean to make you sweat as you plodded over three feet so I could get by.

 I will not, however, apologize for not sharing your views.
 I will not apologize for not enjoying your sport.
 I will not apologize for having something to do other than sit in a lazy boy and yell at my T.V. while my defeated wife keeps her mouth shut and brings me more sammiches.
 I will not apologize for my opinion, and I will never ask anyone else to do it either.

 You want to know why jocks get such a bad rap? It's because of paint chip eating neanderthals like these.

[CENSORED]

Caveat Emptor

  No, seriously... what the fuck? How do people honestly still back right wing escaped lunatics like Mitt Romney, Newt Getrich, and yes, dare I say it, Ron Paul? I don't get it. Is it because the job market sucks? Do you really think these bajillionaires are going to help you? Have you seen their track records?  None of these people would spare a kind word to Red Skelton, let alone offer any substantial support to a REAL poor person. You know what they'll do? They might offer to pray for you, or suggest that you pray yourself.  The job market sucks EVERYWHERE! It's been sucking LONG before the current president, and it will continue to suck for a while. Am I saying you can't be critical? No. Not at all. You have the right to do so, no... you have an obligation to do so according to the U.S. Constitution (still one of my favorite pieces of literature). Am I saying you're better off fucking yourself with a concrete dildo wrapped in barbed wire and capsaicin than putting another republican in the office?

 Um... yes.

 Did you see what happened with the last one? You think maybe it's a good idea to recover a little, and maybe get this country on its feet before we test its strength with incompetent assholes again? I'd recommend it. 

 Look, here's the thing. No candidate regardless of the current political faction to which s/he claims allegiance is going to please the entirety of the voting age population, but there are some out there that are simply not a good fit if we, as Americans wish to progress and quell the hatred that far too many other countries (you do remember that there ARE other countries, right?) feel in the pit of their stomachs for us.We have an astronomical portion of our population in ill-health with little to no hope of recovery just on the basis of their income. They're too poor to be healthy. Do you understand how glaringly cro-magnon that is?! They don't have enough MONEY to get proper medical treatment! Meanwhile, the whole of Europe, and even that homogeneous, barely consequential little town called CANADA cock their collective heads to the side like a dog that thinks it hears a high pitched whine as if to say, "what the fuck?"

 Let's not go trying to throw out a guy who's trying to clean up the last guy's mess. That's not how you fix things. And let's not go screaming for his head, and whining because our incessant need for instant gratification demands we do so. There's a nifty little saying:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

 Ironically, it comes from the oft-made-fun-of French. Are you going to tell me that those swarthy, suave, cretins know more about social responsibility than we do?!

 Oh wait... it seems they do. 

 All I'm saying folks is this: Put the fucking torches and pitchforks down, okay? 

 I've been accused (if you can believe it) of having too much patience. One of my all time favorite people in the world continually calls me a Zen master (and frequently gets angry at me for not getting angry about petty things). You don't have to be a Zen master, or "have the patience of Job" to see that we're in a better situation in general now than we were four, eight, or even twelve years ago (Jesus Hernandez Cristobal, has it been that long already?!). Make your decision wisely. Do not put someone in office who will continue to whittle away your rights because it affects their bottom line too much. 

Those Genes Look Terrible on You.

 Let the hate mail begin. I'm truly getting very fucking sick and tired of people getting offended by other people cracking wise about their weight. Yeah, I said it. Look, I'm not talking about thick, chunky, husky, rotund, robust, rubinesque, jolly, big-boned, fluffy, hefty, stout, or sturdy people. I'm talking about the angry, misanthropic, rude, half-ton behemoth sloths that like to throw their weight around simply because they have so much of it. Thanks a lot, Cameron Manheim. Look, I can say, "please don't misunderstand me" till I'm blue in the face, but I know it will be to no avail. The fact is, though it hasn't always been, that America is the most obese nation in the world.

 In.
 The.
 World.

 I'm seeing and hearing ads on T.V. and the radio (yes, I still listen to the radio, remember that magical box from whence emanated melodies and the humorous jibes of AV nerds?) With some
 <ironic quotation mark>witty</ironic quotation mark>
narrator pretending to be "soda and juice drinks" (complete with requisite melodramatic inflection) deceiving the poor, unknowing children and parents of this country into buying their sugar-riddled products instead of healthy drinks. Are you fucking kidding me?! Seriously!? If you are unaware that soda and some juice drinks contain an unholy helping of sugar, you have other, far more pressing problems... like missing chromosomes... and you shouldn't be breeding in the first place.

 The fact that your children are blowing up like genetically altered KFC chickens can NOT be blamed on them, their lack of informed decision (let's remember, they ARE children, and it isn't their responsibility, yet, to make those decisions), or [swelling orchestral dirge] the evil carbonated beverage industry. It's because YOU, the PARENTS of those children, are making the WRONG decisions FOR them! With the exception of ALMOST 1% of the population (being affected by actual disorders that cause drastic weight gain, as opposed to self-inflicted ones), your children look like this because YOU look like this! You're FEEDING them the damned genetically altered KFC chickens, assholes!

 Again, this doesn't pertain to the slightly enlarged. It's the massive, grotesque five-hundred pound people with the equally large attitude crying, pissing and moaning about their weight, and pointing their engorged sausage fingers at everyone else that piss me off. Take some fucking accountability! You can't blame genetics in an overwhelming majority of cases. What you can blame, however, is your desire to lead a sedentary lifestyle and blame doctors, your parents, the FDA, the government, the restaurant industry, television, Rachel Ray, Coca-Cola, Frito-lay, and the makers of the couch you can't eject yourself from (because it's too comfortable to get out of. It must be their fault!)

 This does not come from some scrawny, world-saving, hipster vegetarian, either (they're another faction of myopic asshats in my cross-hairs). I'm stocky myself. Always have been, probably always will be. But you know what? I was stockier. No, fuck that, I'll own it. I was fat. I was a big fat fatty. I didn't blame anyone else, I didn't gripe, and cry, and whine, and blame others. I didn't get angry and offended, and defensive when people I hadn't seen in years said, "Jesus Christ, you got fat!" (and many did), and I didn't get up on a soapbox and tout the benefits of being hefty, either. I realized I had to get in shape, for my own benefit. For my own health. And I did it. It truly is, in most cases, a matter of willpower.

 I may lose readership over this, but it has to be said. The whole idea of  "big is beautiful"  is an excuse. It's used as a phrase of absolution for the lazy. It does not absolve you from taking care of yourself. Gone are the days when corpulence was a sign of wealth, power, and good breeding stock. That being said, big can be beautiful... in proportion. There are absolutely drop dead gorgeous big girls out there, but big is not, and shouldn't be, synonymous with fat. There's a difference. A rather large one (pun completely intended). Diabetes, heart disease, gout, high blood pressure, a shortened life expectancy, and gynecomastia are not beautiful. That being said, lose the fatittude.

 *The preceding rant is in no way intended to express the views of any individual or agency aside from me. If you happen to be large and jolly, suffer no health risks because of your size, or are simply "heavy," then please, please continue to be you. If, however, you are a member of the "fat and proud" faction that insists on yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs, and believe that when it rains and you get wet it's because god is making fun of your weight, I do suggest downloading and re-reading this article until it finally sinks the fuck in.

~So sayeth the Mofo.

The Armageddon That Cried Wolf.

 The world is not ending this year. Knock it the fuck off! I know, I know, "the Mayan calendar ends this year." Does it? Does it, really? Because I don't know about you, but I have NEVER  EVER been able to find the either the point of origin OR the point of termination for a circle. Do you have some sort of mythical insight into mathematics that we're all unaware of? Isn't it just possible that the significance of the completion of a full rotation could simply be the end of an era? The Mayans were an incredibly advanced civilization, with a lot more insight ( I think) than we give them credit for. Is it at all possible that they looked at their calendar, and said, "You know what? We've got 7, 886 years logged here, when more need to be added, let our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren add them."

 That's right, 7,886 years. See, the maximum date that can be achieved on the calendar ISN'T Dec, 21, 2012, it's October 12, 4772. Dec, 20, 2012 is the end of the twelfth "Baktun," of which there are twenty. It happens every 400 years, so chill the fuck out. If there are any major catastrophic events going on this year, they are going to be the result(s) of human stupidity, and hysteria induced by conspiracy theorists and false prophets... or the GOP. Tomato, tomahto.

 Here's a crazy idea: Concentrate on making the world better. There's going to be a lot of chaos in the year to come. Not because the world is going to end, but because too many people Think it will. There's the danger. There are too many people afraid of too many things, and this will be a problem.

 All I ask is this: When you think the world's going to end, and you think the apocalypse is upon us because the date is approaching, remember the rapture Back in October, and the one in May, and the one back in 1994 that never came either.

I'm a Self-Loathing Closet Homosexual Who Desperately Wants to Win, and I Approve This Message.

 So, I just watched the most disliked video of all time on youtube,
Rick Perry's "Strong" ad, where he ACTUALLY says:

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion. And I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again. I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.

 You know what? I honestly can't believe people are taking this guy seriously. I mean, It's easier to accept Jimmy McMillan as a serious candidate! Especially with that FABULOUS geocities website, amirite?

 Okay, so let's take the ACTUAL transcript from Sick Perry's ad, and go through it, shall we?

 I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian,


(Stop! No one is, Rick. Not in America, not anymore. As a matter of fact, most people will make every effort to beat your head in with their bible, sooner than act in the appropriate "christian" way toward you. This, obviously, includes you, so just stop with the phony persecution act.)


 but you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

(actually, the bible doesn't say anything about having to be in a pew EVER. Resting your fat, wealthy ass on an oak slab while you preen and posture, and pretend you're not good enough for god once a week while pretending you ARE god the other six days does NOT a christian make! I can't even wrap my head around this one. This entire sentence, from "don't need to be in a pew every Sunday..." to "...pray in school" just epitomizes non-sequitur, and makes the hamster running the wheel in my head do cartwheels. What the FUCK are you talking about?!) 

 As President, I'll end Obama's war on religion. (Obama is not campaigning against religion, we're talking about the POTUS here in 2011, not King James... whom you should all know... especially, ironically, republican christians) 

And I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. (of which there are none)

Faith made America strong. (No, unity made America strong).

It can make her strong again. I'm Rick Perry and I approve this message.

  Rick, I don't know if you really want to cop to approving this message. It's rife with the obscenity, vulgarity, and myopia that has come to define your party. While you may gain entrance to the country club as a result of shilling their ridiculous, outmoded views, you're certainly not going to gain voters. Thank you, however, for giving us all a glimpse into what could happen to our system and way of life if we cease to care about our political system. Oh, and another thing, Dick Faerie Rick Perry, the whole "I don't want no queers lookin' at me while I'm in the barracks" thing is ridiculous. Enough, already. Let me tell you something, if someone believes in what they're doing, and has that level of patriotism that they're willing to die to protect our way of life, without question, they can go right ahead and cover my ass whether they're checking it out or not! As a matter of fact, if they choose to check out my ass while they're preventing it from being shot off, that's fine! I'll consider it a compliment, and be glad about it. It's the least I can do if that person is willing to take a fucking round through the chest in my defense... asshole!

For the record: our children ARE allowed to pray openly in school. There is nothing disallowing it. The only limit to prayer in school is in regards to public schools, and even then, students are allowed to pray openly, as a matter of fact, teachers are not allowed to tell them they can't. The limit is that teachers in a public school are not allowed to lead their classroom in prayer... in a public school. It's a matter of respecting other people's religious beliefs, something it seems the Christian right is losing sight of more and more these days.

DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING! STAND THERE!

 Ooooooh, boy. After a fair bit of first-hand research, I've become quite disappointed in the Occupy Philly movement. Why? It doesn't seem like these people are giving it their all. For starters, it's supposed to be a peaceful protest, not a peaceful acquiescence. I watched a video on the Occupy Philly homepage. You know what it was? An hour and a half of drum circles, quite a few zoom ins on bouncing boobies, and trite "mic checks" Honestly, it's devolved into a clusterfuck of people who initially had amazing ideas, with a great deal of merit, but have devolved into blustery, loudmouthed radicals with little to no follow through. It saddens and angers me.

 You can not be taken seriously if you do not ACT seriously! Please, make no mistake about it, I stand devoutly with the 99%. I AM the 99%. Unfortunately, it seems that 99% of the 99% have lost the vim, vigor, and will to keep fighting the good fight. THIS IS NOT A PARTY, DAMN IT! People are going hungry, cold and tired in the streets, trying to call attention to a great social injustice. This is not burning man. This is not woodstock 3.0. This is not supposed to be a safe haven for hipsters, quasi-hippies, "train kids," attention whores who think communism is cool, people who want a soapbox to tout the benefits of the socialist party, or Ron Paul!

 What first got me started on looking askance at the movement here in Philly was the relatively innocuous mass exodus of the movement. No more tent city (now, THAT was something truly to behold)! No more walking through Dilworth Plaza taking a secret solace in the pensive looks on the faces of the police there. No more amusing my wife by mocking the bright pink armbands of the special security force (who walked around looking like gay Nazis). I'm left with an empty spot that needs filling. I walk under Bill Penn now missing... longing for something.

 I remember a little snippet written a very long time ago, that still holds a special place in my heart today. I know I keep going back to it, but damn it, people keep forgetting about it. It's called the first amendment. Have you heard about it?
It says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an
establishment of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or abridging the
freedom of speech, or of the press; or the
right of the people peaceably to assemble,
and to petition the government for a redress
of grievances.

It DOESN'T say:

Congress shall make no law respecting an
establishment of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof (though we will repeatedly
and continuously try to ram Christianity down
your throat with one hand while excising it
from the public sector with the other); or
abridging the Freedom of speech (except when
in the best interest of capital gains), or of the
press (provided it's convenient, and doesn't
undermine the system); or the right of the people
peaceably to assemble (between the hours of 9am
and 5pm, as long as it doesn't impede consumerism),
and to petition the government for a redress of
grievances (assuming those grievances are in line with
the grievances of whomever has the most money).

Stand for something, or fall for anything.

Eye of Newt; Tongue of Dog.

I've been asked to tackle the issue of Newt Gingrich. More specifically, why we should be afraid of him. My knee-jerk reaction was "we shouldn't. He's innocuous enough, and more or less a joke." Then I sat back and thought about it for a minute. There must be something inherently wrong with him on a fundamental level. Why? Well, for starters, his name is Newt. I thought, how can a simple charmander, who does nothing be any threat to anything? Then I remembered that if you leave charmander to its own devices, it become charizard, and that, my dear readers, is bad fucking news.

Newt Gingrich is a witch. You want proof? Okay, for starters, his name rhymes with witch. Not only that, if you set fire to him, I'm certain he'd burn, and is therefore made of wood. See? Obviously a witch. There's only one solution... BURN HIM!

I mention this because I recently looked up Newt's voting record... and it reminded me of Monty Python. Now, while I absolutely adore, worship and idolize enjoy the occasional Monty Python skit, I don't feel he, like Newt, has any place in American politics. For starters, Monty Python isn't a real person (and I'm not entirely convinced Newt is), but simply the name of a troupe of terribly funny clowns. Hmm... I digress.

To be honest, I'm not certain where to begin with out dear friend, Newt. Do I examine is voting record? FYI, do NOT click on that link if you have a weak stomach! Let me sum it up for you: From '92 to '98 there were 433 votes our salamander-like friend could have voted on. He was present to vote on 219. That's about 50% of the time he was doing his job. As a matter of fact, it seems he didn't vote on nearly ANYTHING important. Abortion, free trade, juvenile crime, nothing. So let's just focus on the time he was present and earning half of what we, as citizens, paid him, shall we? Oh, wait... we really can't. It seems Mr. Gingrich is a little too busy running around on / divorcing / ignoring his wives to be bothered with anything the American people hold dear. Looking at his voting record, it seems like he's a bit too busy destroying the sanctity of marriage with one foot in his mouth, while running away from accountability with the other.

So where does he stand on the latest turd the senate has squeezed out? Let's see: Oops... looks like we can't.

Okay, fine, so let's take a look at his "solutions" then, shall we?

Well for starters, it looks like Newt wants to beg borrow and steal notions that worked for bygone presidents in bygone eras. On Jobs and economy, he says:

America only works when Americans are working. Newt has a pro-growth strategy similar to the proven policies used when he was Speaker to balance the budget, pay down the debt, and create jobs.

Now, while I agree to a certain degree with the first seven words of that statement, it seems to me (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that when charmander was Speaker, Clinton was president. A democrat, by the way, who not only balanced the budget, but left office with a surplus that his successor promptly obliterated. In this same "solution" area, he claims a want to "Strengthen the dollar by returning to the Reagan-era monetary policies that stopped runaway inflation." Really, charmander? Reaganomics? That's your bold new idea?

Hey, Newt? The eighties just called, they want their economic policies back.

Now, how about healthcare? There's a big topic. What's Newt's big new idea on this? Oh... there really isn't one. It's the same nonsense that the right has been spouting since day one, and it all boils down to: privatize health insurance, and let the poor people sort it out. That's no solution. I'm still waiting on a solution, charmander, the damned heading of the page is called solutions, now give me one! Newt seems to think "We must repeal and replace the left's big government health bill with real solutions that will lower costs and improve health outcomes." You know what would be a great real solution that will lower costs and improve health outcomes? UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE! Dare I say it? Some of you may want to cover your eyes... SOCIALIZED MEDICINE! There's a reason Canada and the United Kingdom (not to mention a few other places) have one manifestation or another of socialized medicine. It fucking works! Have you ever seen a Canadian digging through the garbage for a peach pit, taking their child to the emergency room for a cold, or dying from some minor affliction simply because they didn't have the money for the good medical care? I haven't.

One of the more glaringly disturbing pieces on this hemorrhoid of a website is the section where charmander talks about protecting life and religious liberty. I'm going to tackle these piles of shit one by one. Ready?

"Nominate conservative judges who are committed to upholding Constitutional limited government and understand that the role of the judges is to interpret the law, not legislate from the bench."

See, there's again, a fundamental flaw here. Conservatives, in your definition, mean right wing nutjobs. Right wing nutjobs Think it is their sole charge in life to legislate morality. Either you're full of shit, or you're an idiot.

"Combat judicial activism by utilizing checks on judicial power Constitutionally available to the elected branches of government."

1) Stop using the word "combat." it's a concept a draft dodger like yourself would never know. B) That's what the branches of government were set up for in the first damned place, any grade-schooler knows this! You might as well be telling me you're going to institute a program that will officially declare water to be wet!

"End taxpayer subsidies for abortion by repealing Obamacare, defunding Planned Parenthood, and reinstating the “Mexico City Policy” which banned funding to organizations that promote and/or perform abortions overseas."

Wow... just wow. Yeah, there's a great idea, let's roll back any progress we've made as a civilized society, what are we, Wal-mart?! De-fund planned parenthood? Seriously?! What's going to happen when you do this, and in 2 years you have 14 interns beating down your door to serve you with child support orders, naughty, naughty Newt? Funding for planned parenthood minimizes the need for women to go overseas to get abortions, and abortions are NOT the only service planned parenthood provides. They also provide education for young women to avoid getting pregnant in the first place.

"Protect religious expression in the public square such as crosses, crèches and menorahs."

Religious expression, and religious freedom are not the same thing. I will direct you to an interesting piece written quite some time ago for reference, it's called the 1st amendment.

"Protect healthcare workers right to conscience by making sure they are not forced to participate in or refer procedures such as abortion."

You know, for a guy who rarely voted on any abortion issues, you sure have a lot to say about it. Healthcare workers are bound by the Hippocratic oath. Healthcare workers who don't want to participate in or refer such procedures need not practice that area of medicine. However, if a woman's doctor finds that pregnancy will endanger the life of the carrying mother, s/he is bound by that oath to offer alternatives to death. It's a first, do no harm kind of thing.

 "Protect the rights of home-schooled children by ensuring they have the same access to taxpayer funded, extra-curricular educational opportunities as any public school student."

They already do. Not only that, in most states, the home-schooling parent is obligated to follow a curriculum, and several set guidelines to ensure that their children are being adequately educated.

"Protect the rights of teachers to use historical examples involving religion in their classroom. Nor should they be discouraged from answering questions about religion or discussing it objectively in the classroom."

The key word here is objectively, and unfortunately, I've found atheists to be the most objective when dealing with religion. Unless the class is about religion, it need not enter the curricula except as explanation. If you muddy these waters, you WILL have teachers proselytizing.

"Protect the frail, infirm and the elderly from the state’s arbitrary decision to terminate life."

I'm sorry, when has this ever been the state's decision? Perhaps in case where the patient was a ward of the state, but how long has that been?

Okay, you know what? Yes. Yes, we need to be afraid of this... "man." Why? Because right now, he's too close to the GOP nomination for my comfort, not to mention the comfort of millions of gay, black, Hispanic, and female Americans. If he gets into office and does nothing, we're fucked, and if he gets into office and does what he says he will, we're definitely fucked. Educate yourselves.

Not-so-righteous Indignity.

Ladies and gentlemen (and I use the phrase quite loosely) of the Senate: You're fucking fired. No, seriously, that's it, hand in your cards. You're done. Enough is enough. The National Defense Authorization Act is an abomination, and you know it. First the damned patriot act, and now this? This is America, for fuck's sake! Remember America? Land of the free, home of the brave, et cetera? This convoluted compilation of coprophagia doesn't just tread on, it outright slaps the 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, 9th, and 14th amendments in the nutsack. This is not the United States I recall being taught about in school. Then again, since I've been out of school, many people have tried (some rather successfully) to rape our constitution. Remember the constitution? The very document that allows you paint chip eating, knuckle dragging buffoons to keep your outrageous salaries while not doing your job? 


The state of the union is fucking abysmal right now, and we've no one to blame but ourselves. To all of you threatening to move to Canada: Go ahead. You do that. Move up to Canada, and let this country continue its downward spiral, because that solves everything, doesn't it (note sarcasm)? What do you think will happen next? That's right, WE'LL FUCKING INVADE CANADA! They're close enough, and don't protect their borders all that well anyway, eh? Don't you think it's the next logical step? 


How about this for an idea: FIGHT BACK! God damn it, people, this is YOUR country. YOUR homeland! It is a land with a "government of the people, by the people, for the people, [that] shall not perish from the earth." Assholes! We seem to be approaching a time when the Gettysburg Address will once again become relevant. Ever read it? I mean really read it? No? Okay, here's a version updated for today:


"[Eleven score and fifteen] years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are [once again about to be] engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a [re]new[ed] birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."


Notice I didn't have to change a whole hell of a lot for it to remain relevant? 
What does that tell you? 
This war isn't being fought with muskets and cannons, it's being fought with pen and paper.
 I leave you with a great quote: 
"They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."


 ~Ben Franklin


And Think... REALLY think about this: 
The politicians' greatest weapon is your own complacence.
 ~Me, making an observation.

So here's the thing:

I'm pretty set on a lot of things. Not the least being maintaining this blog. I mean actually maintaining it this time. Which means, of course, I have to find something to get pissed off about on a regular basis. Not hard, right? I mean, there are so many fucking stupid people out there is a wealth of idiocy in the world from which to draw. Here's the problem: Picking one thing. It's a pain in the ass not as easy as one might think.
Today, I've selected facebook game addicts. I don't mean regular people with lives and jobs, and all like my wife, I mean the nutters who sit at home behind locked doors in their parents' basements (you all know people like this). These people, I've seen it happen, will use a status updating app like "status shuffle" or something to update their status to something witty and reverant, or profound THAT SOMEONE ELSE SAID while clicking the bejesus out of some ville or another, then when they do get on to interact with people, it's all critique. I don't get it! I'm not immune, I've been known to play Castleville, and before that, Cityville, but did you notice the key in the phrasing? "Castleville, and before that, Cityville" One game at a time. One. What boggles me is that I get messages like "why don't you post all the stuff on your wall?" and "why aren't you clicking on my posts?" Here's a blanket statement. Here's why: I'M BUSY DOING RELEVANT SHIT! The villes are a time killer, nothing more. It's something to do while you're waiting for something else to load, or for a pizza, or a case of beer a drink.

This particular entry is filler, I know. it's just occupying space, and keeping this thing alive. There's no profundity in it today, save for this right here, which is for all you people out there who like to tell people to "get a job."

Solve for X

You know what? I'm about tired of these super-Christians telling me to "put the Christ back in Christmas." Enough is enough. I understand you're devout, fine. I get that you believe some magical man fathered himself, and created everything in a matter of 6 days, fine. I want to hit you in the face with a damned brick because respect that for whatever reason, you disregard science, and chose to instead believe that the earth is merely a few thousand years old, fine, but stop trying to shove your religion up my ass down my throat. I'm tired of it. I don't believe in your ghost, and whether you choose to acknowledge and respect, as I do, that there are myriad people out there with just as many belief systems or not is your own business. Have fun with it. As for me, I'm not putting the Christ back in Christmas. I'm not even completely secularizing it and wishing people "happy holidays." No. I'm taking it one step further. Merry X-Mas. Solve for X. If it's Christmas to you, then Merry Christmas. If it's Hanukkah, Merry Hanukkah. If it's Kwanzaa, Merry Kwanzaa. It can all be covered with the most widely recognized variable in the world... X.
These are probably to a great degree the same lot of people that want to put the Sabbath back in Saturday. Knock it off... that's not where the Anglo-Saxon names of the days came from anyway, and any primary school student knows this. I'll thank you very kindly to stop trying to fuck with my verbiage, and go about your business. Wish people anything you want this holiday season, as long as it's positive, good-natured, and sincere, who gives a bald rat's ass how you say it?

~So sayeth the Mofo.