The Power of Prayer

After much consideration, and careful thought, I've concluded that prayer is in fact, a very powerful thing.

Let me give you an example, using a hypothetical scenario:

You see a blind man walking down the block, and he drops his cord, you pray for him to pick it back up, instead of picking it back up and handing it to him. As a result, he steps toward where he heard it fall, and accidentally kicks it out of reach again (think the classic zombie chasing his own head joke). You continue praying for him to retrieve the thing instead of picking it up and handing it to him, and he eventually kicks it into the gutter. Now you switch gears: You pray for his safety, instead of taking any actual action. he tumbles into the street, but wait... IT'S A MIRACLE! He finally grasps his cord tightly, and starts righting himself. As he's dusting himself off, a bus comes by and plows him down. None of this would have happened if you hadn't sat there praying and watching.

Now, here's another scenario.

A frail, tiny woman, who's 230 years old if she's a day, boards a city bus. There's one seat open, and it's ten feet from the door, but the bus is trying to stay on schedule, and she's shuffling at the speed of a dissipating egg fart. I could pray for her safety. The bus lurches forward, and her cane goes flying as she loses her grip on the support bar at the front. I could start praying that she's okay, which would result in her tiny skin-draped skeleton clattering to the floor with a sickening crack. Then, the bus would stop completely as everyone awaits the inevitable ambulance. They would cart her away, and there would be dozens of requests for more prayers for her well being as she lay in the hospital recovering from her forty-seventh hip surgery. Ultimately, she would perish and disintegrate into a pile of dust that would be carried away by the wind, and the world would be populated by one less. I don't pray for her.


Does this make me a terrible person?

No, just a faithless one.


Instead, I extend my arm, catch her, and let her cling to my forearm for dear life as she continues her epic sojourn to the open seat. I hand her her cane, and she thanks me.


Do my actions make me a wonderful human being?

No, just a responsible one.


I could have prayed, but I was too busy helping instead.

Why?

Prayer is a very powerful thing. It kills.

Happy Sunday, all.

Remember: don't just stand there, do something.

Solve For Why

Last year, I did a rather short, yet not necessarily sweet post about X-mas titled Solve For X. If you haven't understood yet, yes, this is a companion piece. Rather than go through the same ridiculous drudgery of yet again trying to explain that it doesn't fucking matter what you wish someone this holiday season, as long as it's well, I think I'll simply offer some food for thought.

"...administering medicine to the dead" and all that.

Do you wish people Merry Christmas? Good. That's very nice of you.
Do wish them a Happy Hannu... channu... chana... festival of lights? Good. That's nice as well.
Do wish them a Happy Kwanzaa? Also nice.
Joyous solstice? Nice.
Fun Saturnalia? Nice.

And guess what? Happy Holidays? Also a very nice thing to wish someone.

I guess the point is: STOP FUCKING WHINING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY! Seriously, the appropriate response to any sentiment that can be easily interpreted as " I wish pleasantries for you and your family at this time of year, and bear no ill will toward you" is "thank you."

A simple "thank you."

That's all that's required.

Many people see fit to correct you if you wish them the wrong thing. Many want to provide you with an in depth dissertation that tediously meanders through all their reasoning (whether backed up by solid arguments, or not) as to why what they want you to say is the correct form of greeting. I know this is decidedly uncharacteristic of me, but it truly, honestly, absolutely does not matter a single half of an iota what words someone uses to wish you well.

You're missing the point.

The point is that they are wishing you well. They aren't trying to tell you that 2+2= π, they are offering you good tidings. Period.

The proper response is "thank you."

Or "you as well."

Or "same to you."

Hell, even "ditto" is better than some hipster looking askance at you while seething about what you should have said, beard dripping with self-righteous douchebaggery.

This season... and I mean this with all sincerity... this season I truly do wish the best for each and every one of you. Whatever your preferred celebration is titled, I want you to have a good one, or a merry one, or a happy one, or a joyous one, or a pleasant one.

In other words: At this time of year, when many people are celebrating many things, each in their own way, I wish no harm or ill will toward you and yours.

I'm not saying that won't change later, or next year, or next decade. Hell, I might want some of you to take a long walk off a short cliff later, who knows. As for right now, however, and in the foreseeable future, I thank each and every one of you readers from the bottom of my evil, black heart, and I wish you the best. Whatever that best is to you.

You're welcome.

Double Action, Single Use

You knew this was coming.

Guns are not toys. Everyone knows this, and I think we can all agree.

Neither, however, are guns tools. Get your itchy fingers off the triggers, I'm not done yet.

Guns are weapons. Period. End of fucking sentence.

Weapons have one purpose: to kill. Additional fucking period.

I know some of you are already crying out in protest, "but guns is a huntin' tool!" But you're wrong. Guns are a weapon for hunting. What is the purpose of hunting again? Oh, yeah, to kill stuff.

I can feel the heat from some of your death stares already. Simmer the fuck down, it'll be worth it.

The second amendment CLEARLY and EXPLICITLY states:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

I wholeheartedly and unabashedly agree with this, and would defend this right of each and every one of us citizens, should it ever come to that. That being said, shit's getting out of hand.

I love... LOVE the fact that we, as a nation, are capable of sending out a team of a handful of people armed with Barrett M107s to reduce a target from a mile and a half out. You want to talk about reaching out and touching someone? Holy shit. It's a beautiful thing. What a lot of people don't realize, however, is why it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing because it means we can carefully and efficiently reduce threats with minimum casualties. No innocent bystanders. No whoopsies. There's the target's head, make it go away, and let's go get a beer. Done.Tank? No problem. Box truck full of explosives? Gone before it's a threat.

These are things a well-regulated militia does, and I'm proud and immeasurably glad they can and do accomplish these things. That being said, there is no reason - none, whatsoever - that any civilian needs to privately own a weapon system capable of cutting a platoon in half from a mile away. It's overkill in every sense of the word.

There are many, many people out there, clinging to their guns for dear life, praying to a non-existent god that the big, scary black man in the white house won't take them away. Fucking relax. That's simply not going to happen. I'm all in favor of people being able to defend themselves. I'm all in favor of the right to bear arms. That doesn't mean the obligation to bear arms, and it sure as hell doesn't mean the right to equip yourself with a fully automatic Kalishnikov, 10,000 incendiary armor piercing rounds, and 100 round drums.

What.
The fuck.
Are you hunting?

What.
The fuck.
Are you defending yourself against?

If your home is stormed by a tank battalion wearing body armor, I'm not the least bit concerned about whether you have the means to fend them off or not. I want to know what the fuck you did to warrant the government spending money on a full scale operation to extract your ass.

Okay, right-wingers. Here's your payoff. Despite the fact that I might lean slightly to the left (some of you may have noticed). I don't believe more gun laws are the answer.

I'll go one step further.

More gun laws are NOT the answer.

Why?

This is a well regulated militia.

THIS IS NOT!

Some of you may be saying (about the second image) "but they probably didn't get those guns legally!"

Precisely.

So what exactly will more laws do? Do you really think people who are hellbent on breaking two or three laws are going to draw the line at four? We don't need more gun laws, and we don't need stricter gun laws. We humans are apex predators, and murder is as old as the human race. People WILL break the law, and those people are NOT going to stop and think about it first because they might break two instead. It's asinine. By example, until 1963, many states listed suicide as a felony.

Let me say that again...

Until 1963 (when all but six states repealed their suicide legislation), many states listed suicide as a felony.

Do you think this stopped people from bumping themselves off?

Does anyone remember what happened with that whole prohibition thing?

Pot is still illegal in most states, and it's easily one of the biggest cash crops this nation has. Prohibition of alcohol made millionaires (some who went on to produce some of our greatest politicians). So what do you think will happen if we panic, and start outlawing firearms?

If you said, "a huge market will open up for illegal gun trade, thereby making some people filthy fucking rich" you just won a cookie.

So what's the answer?

You're not going to like it. The answer is simple, but it requires a lot of work.

Education.

You don't tackle the obesity problem by writing stricter fork laws; you educate fat people.

You don't tackle juvenile diabetes by outlawing sugary drinks over a certain size; you educate the parents of those at-risk juveniles.

You don't tackle the violence problem in the U.S. by tightening the legislative noose on guns; you educate the people who have access to them, and in this day and age, that means "everyone."

Will education eradicate the problem? No, certainly not. There will always be bad people. It will, however, reduce the risk. It's only one piece of what needs to be a multi-faceted, interdisciplinary solution that also includes proper mental healthcare. In other words, it's a long, laborious fucking process. That doesn't mean it can't be done.

One thing is certain: The quick, knee-jerk solution will not work.

If history has taught us anything, it's that reducing the rights of any group of people is never met with supplication.

You Misspelled Carpe Diem, You Jackass!

YOLO.

You only live once.

Really?

Despite the fact that Roald Dahl and Sean Connery debunked this brain cell assassinating gem in 1967 (thereby rendering any and all of your arguments invalid in one swarthy, sexy, Scottish fell swoop), it seems it needs some more clarification.

Fine.

This abomination is supposed to be "carpe diem" for the new generation.

It isn't.

What it is, is a grossly over-used, ridiculous, myopic statement that has blossomed into colloquial lexicons everywhere with a connotation bathed in more irony than the fact that most people don't know what the fuck "irony" means.

Why?

It isn't a reason to do anything. It's a reason NOT to. It isn't a justification, you assholes, it's a warning.
Need an example? Fine. First, though, you have to understand what you're saying (something it seems has been lost in this younger generation). This asinine acronym stands for "You Only Live Once" and whoever is responsible for its sudden uptrend needs to be punched squarely in the junk. "You only live once" is precisely a reason to not do stupid shit that may result in the sudden and violent revocation of your breathing privileges. Furthermore, this isn't what you mean. You don't mean "I'm going to jump into that gorilla pen and steal his banana, because you only live once..." unless you're suicidal, in which case, go right the fuck ahead. What you mean - you poorly educated, easily-manipulated sheeple - is "carpe diem." It's Latin for "seize the day." Not withstanding the fact that seizing the day (or an angry gorilla's banana, for that matter) isn't always a wise decision, the point remains the same.

"Let's go wake up that angry Irish woman 3 hours before she needs to get up and go to a job she can only barely stand, because YOLO."

No.

Stop.

First of all, you mean "carpe" fucking "diem," not "YOLO." Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, if you're going to do this because you only live once, you're implicitly admitting that you no longer wish to occupy this mortal coil, dumbass.

I know this just seems like I'm shaking one fist while clutching a shotgun in the other, standing on my porch in an open bathrobe and boxers while demanding that you get the fuck off my lawn, but I do have a point. That point is that if you're going to keep using this ludicrous acronym that serves as little more than a clear indication of douchbaggery, the least you could do is use it correctly. For instance, "I'm going to get the fuck off this crazy old coot's lawn, because YOLO, and I'm not done yet."

Here's a quick reference for you asshats:

Carpe Diem (Sieze the day) because:

• You've never been skydiving before.
• You have a choice: Bacon, or no bacon (hint: ALWAYS go with bacon).
• You could either go to a concert, or stay home and knit.
• You're thinking of learning a new language or skill.
• You need to get off the fucking couch and go outside.

YOLO (You only live once) because:

• It's a bad idea to stand in the middle of a busy intersection.
• That gorilla really wants the banana, and he's SO much bigger than you.
• Irish women, while beautiful, can be very, very aggressive when annoyed, and if you're in range, it's your fault.
• Life sucks, so thank goodness you only have to do it once (for you dramatic types).
• You've taken Liam Neeson's daughter, and he's given you an ultimatum. 

I hope this clears things up for you people, because now that you've been sufficiently warned, the trolling will begin with immediate effect.

The Agreeable Mr. Romney

We've now seen four debates. At least, those of us who watched them have. We've also seen four completely different debates between what appears to be at least eight different presidential candidates.

• There's the ultra-conservative teabagger Mitt Romney who's been running the campaign ads against the incumbent Obama, who's been more or less reactionary in those ads.
• The animated, no-doze popping Mitt Romney we saw at the first presidential debate up against the subdued "I wish I was celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary instead of arguing with this asshole" Obama in Denver.
• The foot-stamping, arm-crossing, spoiled brat Romney debating the Obama that someone must've finally woken up in the second debate in Rhode Island after the VP debate between Joe "Get the fuck off my lawn" Biden and Paul "I didn't know we were moderate now" Ryan (and I include these because, let's face it, it's their first debate before they both set their sights on the 2016 bid).
• Now we have Mitt "I agree with you there" Romney up against Barack "you didn't a few weeks ago" Obama for the third and final debate in Boca Raton... a city known for its old, retired jewish population. Note that, because it's important later.

Mitt the Twit agreed with the president... a lot... about seven separate times, and that's not including the secondary agreements he acknowledged in the course of the major agreements. In other words, Romney's foreign policy is exactly like the president's, but with more of a "CRIPPLE! KILL! ROMNEY SMASH!" feel to it.

A mere four minutes into the debate, Mitt "we need to make Iran go boom, but that's not all" Romney jumped Obama's Bin Laden card, and Obama was glad he agreed. About 12 minutes in, Romney tried a passive-aggressive somewhat condescending route by agreeing with something he thought Obama said about some stuff, and the POTUS attempted to set him straight on what he actually said. Candy Crowley wasn't there to back up the facts like last time, so this went largely unnoticed, and was such a mish mosh of rhetoric that I completely forgot what the question actually was. This raised the question, "Who's who?" We have Our moderate yes man (as opposed to the cuddly robotic suit we've all come to know and loathe), Romney citing Bin Laden's death 4 minutes in,  and 13 minutes in, Obama lays out five points. Around 24 minutes in, Mitt "China isn't playing fair" Romney agrees with the President on Egypt, and again less than a minute later, but about a half hour into the debate, Mitt the Twit was back to the five point plan.

This is one of the highlights for me, at about 36 minutes. Obama finally calls Romney on the assertion that he brought Massachusetts up to it's current rank in education by pointing out that the state attained that rank some ten years before he took office. I've been wondering throughout this whole debate series when someone was going to call him on this shit. I suppose it's a good tactic to wait until the last debate, since this is the one most people will actually tune in to.

Mitt has laid out his entire first day in office already. Apparently, he's got a plan to save the civilized world on day one. he can't tell us that plan, because it's just so good, and he doesn't want anyone to steal it. Again, a magician never reveals his secrets. So amongst all the agreeing with the president, Mittens is also going to get rid of Obamacare on day one, because we all know that's the single most important thing leading this nation down the path of becoming a third world country. He's also going to declare China a "currency manipulator" on day one, because they keep holding down the value of their currency, and let's face it, they just aren't playing nicely. I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with Romney's Chinese investments (that must just be an odd coincidence, like the whole Bush / Middle East oil thing... just... you know... serendipitous). He'll also give control of medicaid over to the states to run on day one, because we all know how well the states do when it comes to caring for their populations in a nationally cohesive way. in short, he's going to start shirking his responsibilities right away. No sense in wasting time, right?

After all this hullabaloo, a little over a half hour into the debate, Obama went into flat-out condescending mode. He poignantly asserted that he didn't think Mitt knows how the military works, and why should he? He's a rich white guy applying for the job of sending YOUR kids overseas to fight, not his own! Barack "I can't believe I've got to hold this guy's hand and walk him through this" Obama informed the newly moderate Romney that "we have fewer horses and bayonets, we have these things called aircraft carriers that planes can land on. We have these ships that can go underwater called nuclear submarines."

He schooled him.

He sank Mitt's battleship.

Romney asserted that the POTUS went on an "apology tour." Well, what do you expect after the eight year clusterfuck in the previous administration? If we're going to maintain our global position as a nation that deserves respect, we're going to have to acknowledge and address the various ways in which the last fucktard has flipped off all the other countries occupying this little rock called Earth. It wasn't an apology tour, the president was simply going around the world explaining that we don't really know who that last guy was, or how he managed to hack into our Facebook account, but we've got a sane person as a representative now, so let's let bygones be bygones.

Schieffer asked what I think is a rather important question later on in the exchange. "What if the prime minister of Israel called you right now and said 'our bombers are on the way [to Pakistan]?'"
Mitt "I think I have to poop" Romney's face contorted like someone just force fed him a handful of sour gumballs coated in dogshit. "Let's not deal with hypotheticals"... uh... let's get back to something else... I'm not going to answer that question. EVADE! EVADE! He very quickly turned it into an opportunity to address the two or three things on which he doesn't agree with Obama. The president addressed Romney's jabs, and offered a little clarity on clarity, but was pretty clearly unclear on the clarity of Romney's clarity. Also: I killed Bin Laden, and here's a little story about why.

Immediately afterward, Romney wants to fall back on his "moderate the moderator" strategy, insisting that Shieffer can't just let the president lay out a bunch of points like that (this, by the way, right after Obama addressed the half-dozen points Romney had just laid out).

On Afghanistan: Romney now agrees with the troop withdraw by the end of 2014. Apparently, he forgot to tell his running mate, because as you may remember, Biden and Ryan had a bit of a row about this a few weeks ago.

The debate on foreign policy seemed to be a lot more like a debate about Israel with bits of "Let me backpedal a bit here" and "also, on the issue of domestic policy" sprinkled in. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of playing for your audience, and Boca raton definitely has an audience that is very interested, and personally invested in relations with Israel (put your pointing fingers and cries of anti-semitism away, it's an observation, not a judgement), but the debate was to be about foreign policy, not Israeli policy.

Overall, this last debate left me woefully unsatisfied. I have a litany of questions, some of them old, and still unanswered, like "why is it so fucking difficult for a college-educated white guy in his mid-thirties to get a job, when everyone seems to think that college-educated white guys in their mid-thirties always live the life of Reilly?" Others are new, like "Who the fuck is this guy debating the president? I thought Mitt Romney was the GOP candidate. Did he drop out? Where did he go? What the fuck is going on here? Why are we tickling Israel's asshole? Is anyone paying attention to North Korea?"

I was really hoping to see a more concise display of exactly what each candidate intends to do with regard to foreign policy and national security issues, which is what the debate was supposed to be about, but instead all I got out of it was:

• Israel is our buddy.
• China is a poopyhead.
• We stand with Israel.
• Syria needs bigger guns, but we shouldn't get involved... well maybe we'll get involved... it depends, but we need to make sure they're well-armed... or not... dunno...
• We're working with Israel.
• Iran is going nuclear unless we seriously fuck them up, but not militarily, because that's a last resort... unless we have to go in and kick some ass... which we should... I think.
• Israel is our ally.
• I agree with the president.
• Israel is our friend.
• I'm glad Mitt agrees with me.
• Israel good, Iran bad.
• Libya... um... A little help, Mr. Reagan? Oh, yeah, that's right...
• Let's all move to Israel, eat cake, and sing Kumbaya.

Now THAT Was a Debate!

First let me say, I fucking love the internet. Thanks to this wonderful technology, I could sit down this morning, and watch the Vice Presidential debate  sober  again.

Last night's debate between Joe "who the fuck is this kid" Biden, and Paul "thank you, sir, may I have another" Ryan was beautiful and decisive, but it lacked one thing: Joe spiking the microphone on stage at the end. Let's get a couple of translations out of the way here. It's important to note that when Joe "I'm going to bite your fucking head off" Biden says "my friend here" what he means is "this asshole." When he says "and Governor Romney / Governor / Romney" read "that asshole." When Paul "not in the face" Ryan says "Look" or "You see" it translates to "I've been told explicitly to get in this sound bite."

One thing was abundantly clear throughout the entire debate: Paul "it's past my bedtime" Ryan came glaringly unprepared.

He was expecting to debate an Obama analog.

He was expecting to debate a tired old man.

He was not expecting a 70 year old political veteran to smack the fucking taste out of his mouth.

Ryan continually and consistently tried to let off the sound bites he was given, and spout the same rhetoric the Romney campaign started off with. Unfortunately, he didn't get the memo that Romney is now a moderate conservative, and no longer the tea bag-wielding ultra-conservative he was a few mere weeks ago.

Biden kept shutting down the Eddie Munster look-alike with facts and statistics.

Over, and over, and over again.

For those of you who for some insane reason haven't seen the debate, it went a little something like this:

Ryan lied through his government paid-for teeth about healthcare reform while Biden chuckled and tried to keep himself from leaping up out of the chair yelling "BULLSHIT!" The exchange then turned to Biden, who presented specific, provable facts while Ryan sipped his water to replenish the cold sweat pouring from his brow.

Ryan accused the democrats of not being familiar with working in a bipartisan way, having forgotten about a little known gentleman by the name of Bill motherfucking Clinton. Biden chuckled again, probably realizing that when Clinton was president, Ryan was still wearing footie pajamas, and shuffling around with a woobie in his hand.

Near the end, they got to an issue that is near and dear to me, and this is what in my mind and heart, made this debate so decisive: religion.

Ryan's stance is decidedly Catholic, and he all but plainly said his campaign intends to legislate based on religious doctrine. This should come as no surprise, since he didn't say anything plainly or specifically all night, but what you may want to consider is how difficult it is to govern according to Atlas Shrugged, and The Bible simultaneously.

On the other side, we have Joe Biden, a Catholic man all his life, who specifically stated, and has verifiably proven, that he will not govern according to religious principles, because though they may be what he accepts for himself, they aren't necessarily what all of America accepts. In other words, when Ryan said "I don't see how a person can separate their public life from their private life or their faith." Biden said "Like this. Sit down, shut up, and pay attention, you might learn something."

I didn't tune in to hear the spin camps chime in on either side, so I don't know which media outlets said what, but I imagine FOX is spinning this as "Ryan tried to stick to the issues, but he was a bit dehydrated." and NBC went with the headline "Biden Makes Veep Hopeful Cry."

What I do think is safe to assume, is that Biden went backstage, called Obama and said, "Did you see that? Do that next week. that's how the fuck you do it." At the same time, Ryan was on the phone to his mom asking for a new pair of pants and a hug.

More Questions Than Answers.

Will someone PLEASE explain this to me? Please?
I ask for reasons, and this is what I get:

I believe in an intelligent designer through evidence; believe this designer is revealed in the Bible for many profound reasons. However a skeptical mind will never accept the Bible but taking that view would also make them a poor scientist; one not to be trusted! I believe in God for many reasons. Some... I believe there is proof of God in his creation, I believe there is proof of God from the Bible because of prophecies foretold; which have come  to pass; the way it is written is definitely not from the mind of man. To believe the latter takes reading & study; but a closed skeptical mind will never find truth.

 The perpetrator of this astonishingly myopic tripe also purports there is "scientific proof of a biblical god."

Where? I want to see it. If you have such proof, isn't it your duty as a christian to come forth and share it? Are you telling me that you have evidence that will change the world as we know it, but you're not willing to share it? And you're going to call me selfish and arrogant? Really?!

 If you want to believe in god, go ahead. I can't stop you. You have a right to believe what you wish. If you are a practicing scientist (this person is), and you deny scientific fact, you are in the wrong field, and you are turning back the clock on humanity's progress... unless, of course you have scientific evidence of god, in which case, you need to share that shit. If you've discovered scientific evidence of a biblical god, wouldn't all the amazing rewards humanity would bestow upon you for such a profound discovery be further proof of his blessing?

Holy Shit!

As a courtesy, I left the entire run of babble up there uninterrupted, but now it's time for a break down:

 I believe in an intelligent designer through evidence;

 What evidence? Show me this evidence. Where is it? Don't say "The Bible is evidence" because it isn't. It's one book. It's a single text that has been edited more times than the script for the pilot episode of "Soul Man."

  believe this designer is revealed in the Bible for many profound reasons. 

 What are your reasons, and why are they profound?

However a skeptical mind will never accept the Bible but taking that view would also make them a poor scientist;

What?

one not to be trusted!

 WHAT?!

I believe in God for many reasons. Some... I believe there is proof of God in his creation, I believe there is proof of God from the Bible because of prophecies foretold; which have come  to pass; the way it is written is definitely not from the mind of man. To believe the latter takes reading & study; but a closed skeptical mind will never find truth.

 So to sum up, you believe in god because you believe in god and furthermore, you believe in god because you do. Really. Seriously, dude, that's what you just said, but with a lot more unnecessary words. As far as your position that a "closed skeptical mind will never find truth." Um... Not so. A skeptical mind searches for truth. A Cynical mind may not. Moreover, you silly little man, if you are insisting that your god is truth, and no one will dissuade you regardless of how much evidence they shovel on top of your head, and you continue to point exclusively to your magic tome for answers AND NO OTHER TEXTS OF ANY KIND, who is it that's being close-minded? 

 Ladies and gentlemen, I've said this at least a few hundred times. You can NOT wave one book around, cherry pick parts of it you feel apply to your current argument, and declare it as divine truth. There is no such thing as divine truth, and when you're satisfied with accepting magic as fact, you close way more doors than you open. If you have evidence, present it. Hell, I'm not even using the old "get it peer reviewed" line on you (though, it does apply). I'm just saying present your evidence. ANY evidence. 

Three Revolutionaries Walk Into a Bar...

 HOLY SHIT! YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING INSANE, YOU KNOW THAT?! (You know who you are).

 Let me be very fucking explicit here, and I mean that in the definitive sense, not the connotative "I'm about to use naughty words" sense (though the latter is certainly also true).

 Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Seriously. It's a matter of scientific fucking fact. It's a little area called Genetics, and it is awesome in every sense of the word. If you'd pick up a book other than the one full of fairy tales, you'd know that.

 With the new aberration just passed in Podunk, N.C., there is an awful lot of celebratory gunfire and yee-hawing going on, but what you people (and I use that term very loosely right now) don't seem to realize is that YOU are OPPRESSING a HUGE population of human beings. People just like you (with the exception that you have more rights now). Those of you who just reached voting age, your parents might be appalled. Why? Because your parents are the ones that cried out for equality and got the ban on inter-racial marriage repealed in 1971.

 What the fuck is wrong with you people that you have this primal need to squash one group or another under foot? Seriously, someone explain it to me. In terms I can understand. Scientific terms. Give me facts. Give me evidence. Don't sit there and tell me you're against something because your interpretation of one interpretation of one religious sect's book of fables tells you so. It's bullshit. It's a cop out. it's fucking lazy!

 So here are a few facts for you (those of you who are devoutly religious, myopic, and don't like things like evidence, facts, or proof may want to navigate away from this blog now if you haven't already):

•  America was NOT founded on the King James Bible. It was founded on Democratic ideals. These ideals were the direct catalyst for the birth of this nation. The Constitution states ALL men are created equal. Period. Not just white men, not just heterosexual men, and not just Christian men. ALL FUCKING MEN! 
• The line in the Pledge of Allegiance that says "under god" was added in the 1950s as a knee-jerk reaction to communism. This means that for those of you who are constantly posting in Facebook about how "when I was a kid, the Pledge of Allegiance stated "under god." You're grandparents never did. Your point is invalid.
• Evolution is a fucking fact. It's been proven just like Gravity, Heliocentrism, many theories in Genetics, and Thermodynamics. If you drop shit, it falls down. The Earth revolves around the sun (and by the way, is also round). Many deviations in human development can be traced to one gene or another, and homo sapiens share a common ancestor with other great apes. Fucking deal with it.
• Homosexuality is a matter of genetics, not choice. Period. Full stop. It isn't only found in Hominids, it's actually found in something like 400 species. It's been proven repeatedly. 
• Questions are not attacks. This one really fucking infuriates me. I am NOT attacking you when I ask "why?" I'm asking you to support your position. If you ask me to support my position, I will do so. I understand that you may be trying to understand where I'm coming from, and I welcome the opportunity to impart any amount of the knowledge I've gained through formal study, or empirically. Stop with the oppressed majority bullshit!
• "It's true because the bible says it's true" is NOT a valid argument. Stop using it. By that rationale, anything I write is true as long as I include statements in that piece that assert its veracity. Again, this is a lazy cop out because thinking is too hard for you. KNOCK IT OFF!

 As far as voting to ban marriage between same sex couples (because let's call it what it is, it isn't "gay marriage" it's just "marriage"), in a state that still legally allows marriage between first cousins, that's pretty fucking ballsy. You CAN NOT base legislature on your bible. By doing so, you are not just ostracizing homosexuals, you're also ostracizing anyone who isn't Christian, and that is something that The Constitution of The United States, a document I grew up with and hold very dear (as should all of you who enjoy its freedoms), STRICTLY and EXPLICITLY forbids.

 What you rabidly proud bible thumpers don't seem to be able to grasp, as much as you pride yourselves on being " 'Mericans," is that even if the Bible, the Qu'ran, the Torah, the Book of the Dead, and The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster ALL were against homosexuality, you STILL could not base legislature on them, thanks to separation of church and state. 

 Another fact for you: I am a happily married heterosexual man. That's right, supporting other human's rights doesn't immediately make me one of those humans. It simply means I believe in EQUAL rights. Were it the 1960s, I would fully support desegregation. That doesn't automatically make me black anymore than supporting equality in marriage makes me gay. I also support no-kill shelters. That doesn't make me a dog, or a cat, does it?

 Stop trying to legislate morality! Stop trying to cram your unfounded religious drivel down everyone's throat. If you were really as Christian as you claim to be, you would love your fellow man, and turn the other cheek. You can't cherry pick the parts of your magical tome by which you choose to abide any more than you can cherry pick which laws you're not going to break.

*This blog post is absolutely true. There, it's been said. No denying it now.

FML, or FWP? OMG, WTF!?

 FML is an acronym for "fuck my life." Most of you know this. What most of you assholes don't know, is how to use it properly. Here's the thing: If you're in a bind, and you're tight on money because you've over-extended yourself, that's a FWP (first world problem), NOT a FML. "The battery on my phone died, and now I won't be home all weekend" is NOT a FML moment. it's a FWP moment. maybe a WTF (what the fuck) moment. If your charger is fucked up, or the electric went out, you could even, in certain circumstances, use my own adaptation, WTFF (What the fucking fuck). That would be acceptable, but not FML. Your life isn't fucked because you've been slightly inconvenienced, it's just an inconvenience. At that, it's one that an innumerable amount of people worldwide would give their right arm for.

So stop it.

Just.

Fucking.

Stop.

The drama is unnecessary. The acronym is so overused and so full of bullshit that it almost instantly triggers my bitchslap reflex. So, here's a handy guide for all you drama queens:

• FWP (First World Problem)
• Your paycheck has been delayed.
• Your mom won't let you go play with your friend because your friend is a troublemaker.
• You have a curfew.
• Your car won't start.
• You don't like Facebook's Timeline format.

 None of the aforementioned scenarios warrant a "fuck my life." Seriously, call the fucking waaaaahhhhmbulance, okay. Enough is enough. Wait for the fucking check, suck it up and listen to your mom before you make her a grandmom, be in when you're supposed to be in, get yourself a Chilton manual and figure out what's wrong with your car (you can even find that shit on Google, for fuck's sake), and if you're so self absorbed that you actually see Facebook's timeline more than your news feed, you've got bigger problems. Stop sniveling about stupid shit. These are all first world problems, and none of them are worthy of you giving up on life, now knock it the fuck off! While some of the above situations might be worthy of an "OMG" or even a "WTF," they are not fucking life altering. Get a grip.

 For contrast, here are a few actual "FML" moments:

• You're heart transplant has been cancelled.
• The fucking Holocaust.
• Slavery.
• Apartheid.
• Monkeys are flying out your ass at record speeds, and you are out of bananas. 

 Do you see the difference? All the above situations are life altering, some even life ending. these are not first world problems, these are definitely "OMG, WTF, FML: moments. So please, for the love of humanity, and your own self-respect, PLEASE fucking think, okay? Here's a cheat sheet:

• For FML
• Is this going to seriously hamper your life for the foreseeable future?
• Are you about to die?
• Are you in imminent danger of dying?
• Are you Japanese, and is it August of 1945?
• Are you on a slow boat from Africa to something those white guys keep calling "The New World?"

 If the answer to all of these, and any comparable situation is "no." Please, for fuck's sake, DON'T use "FML." It isn't fucking appropriate. The world doesn't revolve around your ability to get reception on your iPhone, so fuck off.

Rise of the Planet of the Dust People (Questions 3 and 4 of 21)

 Awhile ago, I set out to answer these 21 questions that "stupid scientists can't answer." It's been pointed out to me that this video was in jest... a trolling attempt. Nonetheless, I've found, much to my chagrin, that there are people who actually believe this shit. So, I will continue my evil, hedonistic, blasphemous plan to burst the bubbles of the ignorami (my preferred pluralization of the word "ignoramus") world-wide... or at least in my immediate vicinity. Again, these questions are copied and pasted from the video without alteration (in other words, I didn't even correct spelling errors in the questions. I did that on purpose, because I'm an asshole).

 Question 3: "Have you ever seen a mountain form?"

 No one has. Unless you count those childhood science class experiments with growing crystals, and even that is only a tool for showing the science behind the evidence. That's right, I said "science" and "evidence." It's the study of things... the deliberate seeking out of knowledge in order to explain things we don't quite understand, rather than throw our hands in the air and say "Sky wizard musta done it..." that enables us to better grasp the world around us. Mountains formed over millenia, not overnight, and not over a few meager decades. Don't level this question at us non believers unless you're prepared to answer one of equal caliber: Have you ever seen a human formed from dust?

 Question 4: "Why doesn't new life show up in a jar of peanut butter?"

 I've actually had people ask me this question in this exact phrasing. It always amazes me, and I love rebutting this one. After I collect my bottom jaw from the ground, I typically issue my regular answer. Preservatives and an airtight environment. Period. If the Earth were sealed in an airtight container, and injected with chemicals deliberately engineered to inhibit life, life wouldn't show up here either. It's actually a very simple answer. That being said, given enough time, and a slight modification of the conditions (and I mean only slight) life could in fact show up in a jar of peanut butter. Very easily. All you have to do is leave the lid off, and let it sit in the vast expanse of the world around it. If it isn't eaten, life will be along relatively shortly. It might even be as simple as a fly that deposits bacteria when it lands on the rim. That's all it takes. Now picture that the jar of peanut butter, with its modified conditions (the lid being opened) is Earth, and the fly (with its bacteria-laden legs) is an asteroid. When the two meet, viola! you've introduced life to an environment that can sustain it.

 This isn't a very difficult concept to grasp. What is difficult to grasp is that some magical sky ghost scooped up a bunch of dust (that, by the way, he created a couple days before) and molded it into a living, breathing organism, or that he then took a bone (where the fuck he got the bone, I don't know, because I don't recall anything about him changing the physical properties of dust) out of that man and created its counterpart. That, to me, is a little far fetched. There's no way that you can get six BILLION people with such a variety of traits from two completely homogeneous, white dust people in the course of six millenia. Especially when you take into account that your cloud wizard smote the entirety of mankind (according to the fairy tale) and started from scratch because we weren't doing it right. Sorry, kids, but that sounds a lot to me like pissing on a chalk drawing because someone else put a mark on it.

Letting Go of God

 It seems like a lot of people are having trouble with this for some reason, so here's the thing.

 I'm an atheist.

 I'll let you recover from that shock for a moment, and let that sink in... Good? Okay. So, for those of you who didn't swoon in disbelief, faint from shock, or run to the hills fleeing my godless blasphemy, let me explain:

 Once upon a time (which incidentally, is how I think The Bible should have opened), I was a Christian. Yes, really. I didn't come to Atheism and Anti-theism by accident, or from being jaded, abused, mocked, tossed asunder, or looked on with disdain. All those things happened coincidentally, and have no relevance on my chosen lack of religion. Those things still do happen from time to time, and that is just human nature.

 So how did I come to Atheism? I did what a vast majority of Christians still don't do: I read The Bible. Cover to cover. I read it... well... religiously, at one point. After I read it, I read it again. And again. I read multiple versions of it. I still have several incarnations of it on my bookshelf... in the fiction section... under Lord of the Rings, and a plethora of R.A. Salvatore novels. No matter how many times I read it, and regardless of how many adaptations of it I read, it still does not make sense. Not at all. Not a whit. Not as proof of an indisputable series of facts to believe in without question. Nope. Though I will concede that as an allegory, it does have some valid points, and as a fable, it does have merit, it is also filled to the brim with violence, hate, bigotry, incest, bloodshed, famine, rape, and atrocities that if filmed for any modern day movie would instantly be grounds for branding it with an NC-17 rating.

 From a very young age, I had questions. I had questions in spades. I had more questions than there were satisfactory answers, and that made me a sinner, which is okay, because according to that book, everyone is a sinner. According to that book, everyone is absolved already, even for sins they haven't yet committed. We're even absolved from the sins of our fathers. Where, then, is the logic that we are offending this wizard in the sky if we don't ask for the forgiveness that we are supposed to already have, because he descended from heaven and washed our sins away already? By way of comparison, if  I decide to cook dinner for my wife because I love her and want to show her my love, I don't demand afterwards that she beg me to make her dinner. I've already cooked it. It's on the table, and being eaten (incidentally, I love my wife too much to ever subject her to my cooking, but the analogy stands).

 I have found, by way of extensive research and empirical data collection, that The Bible is fiction. There is no evidence to back any of its claims. You're asking me to believe in a single book written by dozens of humans which, as stated in that very book, are fallible. No.

 The Bible tells me that homosexuality is an abomination, when science and provable evidence demonstrate before my own eyes that it is a genetic variant.

 The Bible tells me that the entirety of the human race was created from a handful of dust molded into one man, and a woman created from one rib of that one man. Science and evidence give me tangible proof that this is a physical impossibility. That evolution is the truth.

 The Bible tells me that black people are black because of the curse of Canaan. Science and genetics show concretely that melanin, not voodoo, is responsible for skin tone.

 Belief in the Christian god is as archaic now as belief in the Roman gods that it usurped and assimilated. We are human. We evolved, and we continue to evolve. Part of that evolution is unraveling the mysteries of life, discovering new things, and understanding things we didn't before.

 We once believed that illness was caused by a small troll or gnome living in the stomach, but science has taught us otherwise.
 We once thought that bloodletting would balance the humors of the body and restore it to health regardless of the ailment, but science has taught us otherwise.
 We once thought that blood sacrifices would ensure a bountiful harvest, but science has taught us otherwise.

 It is my hope that someday we can say, "We once thought that a magical sky ghost molded the vast universe and everything in it in six days, but science has taught us otherwise."

Challenge Accepted... (Questions 1 & 2 of 21).

 Okay, so the first question asked by this science doubting buffoon is:

"Why are planets round?"

 Here's the thing: The planets are round for a variety of reasons, all of them scientifically provable. Over billions of years of formation, accretion, gravity, and centripetal force have resulted in an inherent roundness of planets, stars, and other cosmic bodies. Not because god's hands are perfectly round, and smooth since he doesn't actually do anything, (or exist) but because it is a simple and fundamental law of physics. Gravitational pull keeps the planets in position and orbit - both the gravity of the planet itself, and its surrounding moons (if any) also bear part of the responsibility of keeping a given planet in check and spinning properly. This spin, when compounded by the planet's natural gravitational field, gives the astral body its iconic roundness. The sheer size of the planet is also a factor, but in general, the gravitational pull of the planet's centre, as well as its surrounding bodies in conjunction with its spin and geological properties, as well as a host of other physical factors all keep the planet "round." If you want evidence to gravity's part in this cosmic dance, all you have to do is notice the tides on our own planet. High and low tides are a result of the moon's gravitational pull on the planet, and actually make it more oblong than truly "round," since the vastness of Earth's oceans ebbs and flows with direct correlation to the moon's proximity to a given area of the Earth at any particular time.

Next.

"Go to the zoo and tell me, why doesn't a chimpanze give birth to a man?"

 Because Chimpanzees (there ARE two Es in that word, by the way) are not men.
Next question.
What, you want more?
Okay, fine.

 Chimpanzees, while also classified as greater primates, are not humans. Humans belong to the species Homo Sapiens, while chimpanzees are Simia troglodtyes. Humans are, therefore, a different species that are closely related to, without being, chimpanzees. They are in the same family, Hominidae, but not of the same species. Put succinctly, we are two separate offshoots of the same evolutionary master strain.

 Let me put it in terms you might understand better: Your devil, according to the greatest lie ever told, was once an angel. He technically still is an angel, just a different variant of one, as are all of his accomplices, now labelled as demons. So while his ancestry is the same as that of the angel Gabriel or Micheal in your fairy tales, he is also not of the exact same makeup. He is also different. To put it even more simplistically, a house cat does not fuck a tiger, or give birth to a lion because while they are all cats, they are different variants, or species, of the same family, Felidae.

 I don't even have to go to the zoo as you suggest to tell you this, although perhaps by throwing you into the gorilla habitat (also family: Hominidae, incidentally) you might understand the concept of close relation without exact duplication.

 This is all basic, elementary school science. it isn't magic. These are things that we now have an understanding of, whereas our ancestors didn't. While they may have needed a fantastic sky ghost to explain things they didn't understand, we do not. We know now that the Earth revolves around the sun, a star that is one of several billion in the galaxy, which is also one of several billion.

 It is pure arrogance to think that an omnipresent, omniscient being decided to create what equates to a few atoms on a grain of sand lying on an entire beach full of similar grains just to worship him and give him praise of their own free will or suffer eternal damnation at his hands even though he loves us so dearly.

Challenge Accepted.

 Over the next several weeks, I will be tackling "questions" put forth by a youtube user on his / her video "21 Facts Evolutionists Can't Answer."The video will make people who are capable of thought scream with rage. It is tedious, dangerous, and at times, simply infuriating with its deep right wing, ill (or non) educated bullshit and hyperbole. So why am I doing this? For the same reason I do most things. Education. I firmly and wholeheartedly believe that education is the key to progress, and by answe ring these questions thoroughly, I truly hope to dispel all of the myths about we evil, godless atheists, and demonstrate what cold hard fact, experimentation, study, research, and science can accomplish in so much as true peace and progress. Also, I do for the same reason anybody does anything. For the lols.

 A few key points:

I will present the "questions" as they are written in the video. Completely unaltered.
I will present my answers with references to verifiable data as well as off color jokes.
I will have fun at the expense of the uploader, and quite possibly also at the expense of fundamentalist creationists.

This blog is in part to educate, but admittedly also in part to amuse both myself and hopefully others, so I will not be taking this on from the exclusive angle of a dry, mirthless argument.

This series will offend some of you, but I truly hope that it instead opens your eyes, For others, it will provide catharsis, and chuckles. This is your only warning.

The Whole Universe Was in a Hot, Dense State.

 So here's the thing. I'm really getting fucking fed up with these psycho-christian crackpots trying to blow everything into biblical proportions. I understand that for a great many people, the big bang theory is just to hard to grasp, and it's much safer and more comforting to think that the entirety of the universe is sequestered to this 1.08321×10 12 km 3 rock we call Earth, but that's just tough shit. Ladies and gentleman, there are scientific experiments, and textbooks, and research papers, and journals, and funding, available for a damned good reason. It's provable. Your magical sky ghost is not. While I respect that you have the right to believe whatever you choose, I'm becoming exponentially more livid that many of you Christians seem to think the path to enlightenment is laden with verbal abuse, mockery, and a holier-than-thou sense of entitlement. I've noticed a dearth of respect for MY beliefs, and the beliefs of those who share my world view, like Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, Leonard Susskind, Albert Einstein, Alex Fileppenko, Michio Kaku, Brian Greene, et al.

 To answer some of the burning questions that none of you seem to bother asking, heat is a catalyst for fusion (the same principle that fuels, and ultimately causes the death of stars like our sun). The big bang generated heat on an unheard of scale. While microbes may not have existed beforehand, fusion dictates that simple elements, when combined and exposed to heat, will create new elements (for reference, see hydrogen fusing to create helium for starters), which combine to create chemicals and chemical compounds such as amino acids, and the other proteins necessary for life. Timing is everything.

 Now, stop waving your book of faerie tales at me, and pick up a textbook, journal, or research paper, because if you tell me one more time about how the reason we have rope is because Rapunzel donated her hair after being rescued from the tower, or women are supposed to be skinny because they're made from a meager rib bone in the first place, I'm going to start throwing the scriptures you choose to ignore at you in response to the ones you quote because they're convenient for you. If you're going to be such a die hard bible thumper, read the whole fucking thing!

 You hear that whooshing sound? You see that huge, ominous black cloud overhead? That's science dropping. You can't avoid it forever.

SPECIAL NOTE: This isn't directed at ALL Christians, just the ones that will most likely stop reading halfway through the first paragraph.

Call a Spade a Spade.

                Okay, so here’s the thing. Why the fuck can’t people just say what they mean? It’s really simple actually. You mean one thing, you say that thing. NOT the opposite, NOT something completely different, and NOT something that may be closely related to something akin to something that almost resembles what you mean; just what you mean, In plain, ordinary, concise English. Why is this so fucking hard?! Why do these basic fundamentals of communication elude so many people? If it permeated through everything in their lives, maybe I could understand. Maybe it’s like some sort of bizarre psychological disorder where they can’t make the distinction between what they mean, and what they’re saying, but it’s not aphasia we’re talking about here, it’s just people being assholes. I’ve found recently, and much to my surprise that it isn’t just women who do this. I really thought it was, you know, that whole thing were they say “go ahead” when they mean “don’t,” or “maybe” when they mean “no,” or my favorite, “just go ahead and do what you want” when they mean “I fucking dare you to defy me and see what manner of hell I rain down upon your woeful head.” As it turns out, this trend is affecting both species of human.

                My wife will attest to the fact that I am not a standard issue husband… or even a standard issue guy, for that matter. I do, however, have some stereotypical guy traits. For instance, if I need to venture out and acquire an item from a store, I will locate the item I need to procure, go to the nearest establishment that offers that item at a reasonable price, seek out said item, procure said item, pay for said item, and LEAVE THE FUCKING STORE having done what I intended. It’s a very simple, logical process. I don’t mull over what item I really want once I get there, I don’t go through great pains deciding on a color, I don’t amble aimlessly up and down each and every aisle of the store in hopes that they’ve added a door to Narnia behind some end cap. I go in, I get what I came for, I get the fuck out. Period. Job done.  I apply this same principle to making verbal or documented requests. I ask for what I want, not what I don’t want. Not something else. If I desire a red T-shirt, I go and get a red T-shirt. If I can’t find, or don’t know where in the store to locate a red T-shirt, I ask someone who works there (which can be a taxing venture in and of itself) where in the facility I can locate a red T-shirt. I don’t want to know where I can find a teal one. I don’t ask for beige, or blue, or green. I want red. I say red. Not “reddish.” Not “crimson, or rust, or salmon, or maroon, or burgundy.” Not fucking “auburn.” Red.

                All I ask is for the same respect. If you want something from me, ask for what you want. Don’t ask for something you don’t want, then when you get the thing you don’t want, start fuming and carrying on because it’s not what you wanted. Regardless of whether it’s what you wanted or not, it IS, in fact, what you ASKED FOR! Ergo, you relinquish any and all justification for bitching, pissing, and moaning when said request is fulfilled.

                I’ll end this diatribe with a little cheat sheet for all you douchbags out there:

·         If you mean “respectively” don’t say “respectably, respectfully, or respectability.”

·         If you mean “regardless” don’t say “irregardless of…”

·         If you mean something has no equal, it is “unique,” not “very unique.”

·         If you mean “actually, really, truly, or in essence,” the phrase is “for all intents and purposes,” not “for all intensive purposes.”

·         Finally, “should’ve, could’ve and would’ve” are contractions for “should have, could have and would have,” Not “should of, could of and would of.”

And you people wonder why sometimes, I enjoy being deaf!

Right Wing Mythbuster.

 Isn't it funny how the people that believe this country was founded by people seeking religious freedom are the ones trying to cram Christianity down everyone's throat? Here are a few right-wing myths set beside the actual facts for your perusal:

 "Obama is a socialist nigger from Kenya!" 

 He's actually mixed race democrat from Hawaii, by way of Illinois (though why anyone would chose to move from Hawaii to Illinois is beyond me). Although his father was Kenyan, his mother was a stark white women, and natural born citizen of the United States, married to his father prior to his birth. Personally, I think a majority of the idiotic hate that Obama faces can more appropriately be tracked to the fact that his father married, and vigorously fucked a white woman. Something the tiny minds of the religious right just can't accept, but don't want to publicly say they can't accept.

 "If them fags are allowed to marry each other because of their choice of lifestyle, why can't I marry a horse?" 

 Because homosexuals don't have a choice in their orientation, they're born with it. Whom you love is not a matter of choice, it's a matter of heart, and no human being should be denied the right to marry another human being (assuming both humans are of equal maturity and intelligence, and of legal age to do so). You can't marry a horse because it wouldn't be a mutual decision, as marriage is, and marriage is an exclusively human rite. In addendum, animals are not granted rights under the Constitution of The United States as citizens. Although what you chose to do with your junk is your own business (and what anyone else chooses to do with their junk is their business, incidentally), your argument here, is asinine, banal, juvenile, ill-founded, and pedantic.

"Poor people are lazy, and just want me to hand them my money!"

 Most poor people are not lazy. most poor people are poor because they're shouldering more than their fair share of a burden that is the responsibility of the entire working nation. We poor people don't want YOUR money, we just want our own, and we're sick of donating a majority of the pittance we break our backs, bleed, sweat, and raise callouses on our fingers for to your lobbying efforts, political campaigns, bailouts, and tax relief.

"Non-christians are Satanic heathens!"

 Nope. Muslims, who practice the Islamic religion, worship an analogue of your god that they call Allah, Buddhists worship an analogue of your god (albeit much less self-centered and vengeful) that they call Buddha, and Atheists worship no god. Satanism is, by definition, a religion; one whose practitioners worship Satan.

"My kid should be allowed to pray in school! They're stomping on my religious freedom!" 

 Your kid IS allowed to pray in school. There is nothing barring your child, or any other, from praying while in school, or any other public place. There ARE, however, conventions set forth by our forefathers protecting the rights of EVERYONE. Not just your kid. Prayer IS allowed in public school, it just isn't, and shouldn't be mandatory. You'd be just as pissed off if public schools taught the Qu'ran, or (god forbid) the Torah, because what you actually mean is: "My kid isn't forced to pray in school." Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, and therefore, religion is not mandated in public schools. You can, however, take the money I'm saving you by paying your share of the taxes that go to those public schools, and put your child in a private, charter, or catholic school, where they have entire classes dedicated to non-standard, ELECTIVE subjects such as religion. Ironically, though, you're forcing your child to participate in a religion that may or may not fit with their beliefs.

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'm rolling out "audibles" of my rants. Slowly, but surely, for all of you TL;DR assholes. If your eyes are tired, or for whatever reason, you'd like the poison poured in your ear, rather than your eye, look for the link that will be the first line of the rant. If the first line of the rant is a hyperlink, voila! That means it's been narrated by yours truly, and is available to you as a lullaby! The first one is my most recent rant, "So Mad, I Could..." Please feel free to argue, debate, comment, or request a rant for narration. Oh, and yes... They will be out of order. Just deal with it. Ciao!

Makes Me So Mad, I Could... Oh, Never Mind.

 STOP FUCKING SPITTING! What is the matter with you people? At home, fine. If you're having a bad reaction to the diseased cock you just put in your mouth for a double cheeseburger, fine. If you're having an epileptic fit, or a grand mal seizure, fine, but other than a very select, very few reasons, there is absolutely no justifiable cause for spitting in public. It's just fucking nasty. What are you doing, marking your territory with your mouth? Showing your displeasure at the taste of the air? Paying homage to a long antiquated wild west display of disgust? Intentionally insulting someone whom you don't feel is worth words? Go classy, and bite your thumb! There is no reason someone ought to be showered with bits offal from your eighteen dollar soup and sandwich on the way back to the office.

 Spitting out something that's disgusting, or gone bad, or caused an unpleasant reaction in your gut at home is one thing. Sometimes, it's necessary. Spitting on the god damned sidewalk where people are trying to walk by is another altogether. There's no justification for it. No one should have to worry about being projectile drooled on while walking down the street. It's disgusting. Don't believe me? Close your eyes, and picture a complete stranger spitting directly into your mouth. Picture their unsolicited glob of saliva and flecks of cheap fast food hamburger smacking into your uvula, and clinging for dear life before dropping offensively down your throat. Not pretty, is it? The same goes for snot rockets. KNOCK IT OFF! There is one place, and one place ONLY where snot rockets are even remotely close to being almost possibly acceptable, and that's in a boxing ring. So, I'll tell you what, if you want to act like you're in a boxing ring in my presence, how about if I do too? You go ahead and hurry past the throngs of innocent bystanders on the sidewalk, and when you close up one nostril to forcibly eject all the wisdom in your head from the other, I'll take my cue and punch the ever loving bejesus out of you for millions of dollars. Does that work?

 "But I have a cold."

 I don't give a bleeding blue shit if you have walking pneumonia. If you have a cold, and you're aware that you have a cold, 1) it's all the more reason you shouldn't be arming and firing snot rockets into public. You've now just admitted you're engaging in germ warfare. Asshole. B) CARRY A FUCKING PACK OF TISSUES! They make them in travel size for a reason. So people like you don't go around infecting people like us, who don't want to be sick! It's bad enough to have to hear the arduous calling up of phlegm from your chest and sinuses as you prepare what you hope to be the world's greatest ball of mucous. It's disgusting, and frankly, arrogant to assume that I'm going to get any kind of joy from dodging it!

 There are times and places when sharing your bodily fluids is acceptable, even welcome and condoned. The sidewalk of the town I love is not one of those places... at any time. Keep your bodily fluids to yourself; especially if they're speckled with disease. I'm seriously considering carrying a supply of beakers around with me, just to catch the frothy globs so I can hurriedly whip them back into the faces of the knuckle dragging, paint chip eating, yokels who think it's okay to expel their saliva, snot, chaw, and dignity where I'm about to walk. Are there other disgusting habits? Sure. Of course. People have often told me that smoking is a disgusting habit, but you know what? At least I have the courtesy to not share the tendrils of cigarette smoke emitting from my nostrils with people unbidden. As a matter of fact, I've been known to intentionally not smoke when explicitly asked... or in a movie theatre... or in the middle of a restaurant... or on a plane... or in a baby's face... or any other area where it's banned... none of these can be said of spitters, or snot rocketeers, and they have the added horror of being the 21st century's answer to plague bearing rats.

 Maybe this is what's wrong with people today. Maybe stupid really is contagious.

Don't End With A Propositional Phase.

 Can we please focus on shit that matters now? Seriously, the big game against central is over, enough already. I know I've already tackled football, but this banal, boorish blemish on American society as a whole needs a time-out. Can we, as a nation - as adults - huddle up and discuss more pressing issues? Like maybe the recent sacking of Prop H8? That strikes me as a pretty big fucking deal.

 Now, I know homophobes everywhere are mad about the robust grudge fuck Prop 8 took, but that's just tough shit. The fact is, even if you drain all the humanity out of it, and look at it exclusively from the most capitalistic point of view, it makes good, sound business sense. Put the humanity back into it, and voila! Now, you're looking at something that is a win for the LGBT community, or as I like to call them, my fellow human beings who happen to have different tastes (in some, but certainly not all) cases.  You know, homo sapiens? I know a lot of people need that link, because they don't want to believe we've evolved from a species with it's origin in Africa. They're deathly afraid of being related to... BLACK PEOPLE! (Did they scatter)? Never mind that; it's for another rant for another day.

 Here's the thing: there shouldn't be a rift between the general populace on the legalization of something that ought never to have been illegal in the first place! Perhaps I'm daft. Maybe I just don't get it, but I simply can't wrap my head around the abysmal hypocrisy of a select privileged handful of lechers and adulterers, trying once again to legislate morality. Especially when it comes to bemoaning the sanctity of marriage. I may be a complete asshole, and I may be slightly misanthropic, but damn it, love is love. Period! It's not something one can explain, legislate, or break into square, linear, black and white definitions. Why, then, is this even an issue?

 "You want to marry a man? Fine. WAIT A MINUTE! YOU ARE A MAN!? Well, that's no good. Nope. Can't do it." 

 Huh?

 At risk of sounding arrogant and obtuse, I think there is at least a handful of more important things we ought to be worrying about right now, rather than whom one can or can not marry, like... I don't know... figuring out who's least likely to fuck over the ever increasing throng of impoverished families in the U.S. over the next four years? Just a thought. Maybe it's be a good idea to pay attention to that, so we're not pissing and moaning about how poorly that person is doing their job before they've even got halfway through their term? Furthermore, WHAT BLOODY SENSE DOES IT MAKE FOR IT TO BE PERFECTLY LEGAL TO MARRY BLOOD RELATIVES, AS LONG AS THEY ARE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!? Sorry for the Brian Blessed moment, but it truly flummoxes me that in 25 states, you can marry your first cousin, as long as you don't both have the same type of junk. It seems to me, a great number of these chimps flinging their feces at the LGBT community have hailed from these states. Is there a connection?

 Who knows, we can't subject them to the kinds of tests I'd like to, because of that whole "ethics" thing. I'll tell you this, though, I for one welcome the legalization of same sex marriage (also called "marriage"). If you've got the heart, and the sincerity, and the loyalty, and the constitution to dedicate the rest of your days to a mutual reciprocation of love and trust, then as far as I'm concerned, you've earned the right to be proud of it, and walk through life as a legitimately married couple, reaping all the benefits of any other.The fact that there are married couples that haven't earned and continue not earning the privileges that they take for granted are allowed to stand up and falsely claim undying love to each other while couples that are truly in love are barred from having that same rite (see what I did there?) is truly criminal.

 

Hypocrisy Abounds

 GOD DAMN IT! When are people going to fucking realize that "pro-choice" does NOT mean "I want to kill your children!?" It means pro fucking choice. Choice. Remember that word? Choice? Here, I'll break it down for you:

choice
Noun: An act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.
noun.  selection - option - pick - election - assortment

 As you can see (assuming you are capable of synthesizing this information) CHOICE, as opposed to COMPULSION, is more in line with what the forefathers of our country had in mind in most things. It's what this nation was fucking founded on! By being pro CHOICE, I am not compelling YOU to do one thing or another, I'm standing up for YOUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE!

 Assholes.

 I'm so fucking exhausted with having to explain this shit, I really am. My belief that a person has a RIGHT to choose does not have any affect whatsoever on your CHOICE. That's for you to decide. Personally, I find it offensive that people find my support of their right to have options presented to them, rather than be compelled one way or another, offensive. What the fervent, flying fuck do you not understand?

 Now... let me take a breath and try to handle this with ever so slightly more decorum:

 No, I am not a woman, but I do support the idea that you ought to have the right to decide what to do with your body. ESPECIALLY if you weren't given the option to intentionally place it into a state of gestation.

 No, I have never given birth, but I do believe that as a citizen of the United States of America, you are granted certain unalienable rights. Among them life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If bearing children impedes your right to life, you should have the option to make a decision about that. If it strips your right to liberty (I.E. You weren't consulted on the idea of becoming pregnant), you should be allowed options. If it halts you in your pursuit of happiness (for instance, the child will most likely be stillborn, or is the product of rape, or is likely to kill you in the process of becoming full term), you ought to be granted alternatives. Notice how in NONE of those arguments did I say "You ought to scrape it out." Again, I'm not insisting that you believe as I do, I'm staunchly defending your right to believe what you wish!

 No, I've never been pregnant, but I'm not forcing my beliefs onto you and insisting that you do it my way because if you don't the invisible man in the sky will get you.

 Here's the thing: it seems to me that a vast majority of pro-lifers (the ones killing all the abortion doctors) are ultra-conservative, right wing, republican, super-rich psycho-Christians. That's fine. I wholeheartedly support their right to choose that option. While I don't agree with it, one of the fundamental things that I believe in my core is that in this country, we all have the right to follow our own pathos and ideologies. (Yes, I used the word "pathos" intentionally).

 What I'm having trouble understanding is this: These are the same people that want to shirk their civic duties and responsibilities to the progress of the nation as a whole. They want their money to be their money, and no one else's. They don't want to pay taxes, they don't want government, and they don't want you to disagree with them. These are the anti-welfare, anti-unemployment, anti-healthcare reform, anti-poor-people people. If people don't have the option, the CHOICE, or the education necessary to make the right decisions for their lives, or correct mistakes made by themselves, or mistakes made by other people but forced onto them, they will encumber society. Don't you get it? YOU'RE SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE WALLET!

 Planned Parenthood isn't about "killing babies." For starters, in cases of abortion, the cells removed are not yet proven to be viable. More importantly, however, (as the title of the establishment would suggest) it's about "planned" parenthood. It's about education, so that young people can make better decisions. So, stop railing against them because you seem to think all they do is scrape out unwanted babies.

 As far as all you people who insist that any collection of cells that is capable of holding and maintaining life should be protected, don't be so fucking sanctimonious. A tumor is a collection of living cells. A parasite is a collection of living cells. That lemongrass smoothie you got from Hoity-Toity's House of Douchebaggery before going to the office to rape consumers out of their hard earned cash was a collection of living cells. Yogurt? Living cells. Cheese? Living cells. Salad? Living fucking cells.

 Oh, and before you chime in with the standard-issue question that's supposed to make me change my mind, ("What if your mom chose to abort you?") she wouldn't have. I was conceived (albeit, to the chagrin of many) on purpose. That is a bullshit argument built on a horse shit foundation, because guess what? When I was born, my mother did, in fact, have a choice. She chose to afflict the world with me anyway.