Solve For Why

Last year, I did a rather short, yet not necessarily sweet post about X-mas titled Solve For X. If you haven't understood yet, yes, this is a companion piece. Rather than go through the same ridiculous drudgery of yet again trying to explain that it doesn't fucking matter what you wish someone this holiday season, as long as it's well, I think I'll simply offer some food for thought.

"...administering medicine to the dead" and all that.

Do you wish people Merry Christmas? Good. That's very nice of you.
Do wish them a Happy Hannu... channu... chana... festival of lights? Good. That's nice as well.
Do wish them a Happy Kwanzaa? Also nice.
Joyous solstice? Nice.
Fun Saturnalia? Nice.

And guess what? Happy Holidays? Also a very nice thing to wish someone.

I guess the point is: STOP FUCKING WHINING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY! Seriously, the appropriate response to any sentiment that can be easily interpreted as " I wish pleasantries for you and your family at this time of year, and bear no ill will toward you" is "thank you."

A simple "thank you."

That's all that's required.

Many people see fit to correct you if you wish them the wrong thing. Many want to provide you with an in depth dissertation that tediously meanders through all their reasoning (whether backed up by solid arguments, or not) as to why what they want you to say is the correct form of greeting. I know this is decidedly uncharacteristic of me, but it truly, honestly, absolutely does not matter a single half of an iota what words someone uses to wish you well.

You're missing the point.

The point is that they are wishing you well. They aren't trying to tell you that 2+2= π, they are offering you good tidings. Period.

The proper response is "thank you."

Or "you as well."

Or "same to you."

Hell, even "ditto" is better than some hipster looking askance at you while seething about what you should have said, beard dripping with self-righteous douchebaggery.

This season... and I mean this with all sincerity... this season I truly do wish the best for each and every one of you. Whatever your preferred celebration is titled, I want you to have a good one, or a merry one, or a happy one, or a joyous one, or a pleasant one.

In other words: At this time of year, when many people are celebrating many things, each in their own way, I wish no harm or ill will toward you and yours.

I'm not saying that won't change later, or next year, or next decade. Hell, I might want some of you to take a long walk off a short cliff later, who knows. As for right now, however, and in the foreseeable future, I thank each and every one of you readers from the bottom of my evil, black heart, and I wish you the best. Whatever that best is to you.

You're welcome.

Letting Go of God

 It seems like a lot of people are having trouble with this for some reason, so here's the thing.

 I'm an atheist.

 I'll let you recover from that shock for a moment, and let that sink in... Good? Okay. So, for those of you who didn't swoon in disbelief, faint from shock, or run to the hills fleeing my godless blasphemy, let me explain:

 Once upon a time (which incidentally, is how I think The Bible should have opened), I was a Christian. Yes, really. I didn't come to Atheism and Anti-theism by accident, or from being jaded, abused, mocked, tossed asunder, or looked on with disdain. All those things happened coincidentally, and have no relevance on my chosen lack of religion. Those things still do happen from time to time, and that is just human nature.

 So how did I come to Atheism? I did what a vast majority of Christians still don't do: I read The Bible. Cover to cover. I read it... well... religiously, at one point. After I read it, I read it again. And again. I read multiple versions of it. I still have several incarnations of it on my bookshelf... in the fiction section... under Lord of the Rings, and a plethora of R.A. Salvatore novels. No matter how many times I read it, and regardless of how many adaptations of it I read, it still does not make sense. Not at all. Not a whit. Not as proof of an indisputable series of facts to believe in without question. Nope. Though I will concede that as an allegory, it does have some valid points, and as a fable, it does have merit, it is also filled to the brim with violence, hate, bigotry, incest, bloodshed, famine, rape, and atrocities that if filmed for any modern day movie would instantly be grounds for branding it with an NC-17 rating.

 From a very young age, I had questions. I had questions in spades. I had more questions than there were satisfactory answers, and that made me a sinner, which is okay, because according to that book, everyone is a sinner. According to that book, everyone is absolved already, even for sins they haven't yet committed. We're even absolved from the sins of our fathers. Where, then, is the logic that we are offending this wizard in the sky if we don't ask for the forgiveness that we are supposed to already have, because he descended from heaven and washed our sins away already? By way of comparison, if  I decide to cook dinner for my wife because I love her and want to show her my love, I don't demand afterwards that she beg me to make her dinner. I've already cooked it. It's on the table, and being eaten (incidentally, I love my wife too much to ever subject her to my cooking, but the analogy stands).

 I have found, by way of extensive research and empirical data collection, that The Bible is fiction. There is no evidence to back any of its claims. You're asking me to believe in a single book written by dozens of humans which, as stated in that very book, are fallible. No.

 The Bible tells me that homosexuality is an abomination, when science and provable evidence demonstrate before my own eyes that it is a genetic variant.

 The Bible tells me that the entirety of the human race was created from a handful of dust molded into one man, and a woman created from one rib of that one man. Science and evidence give me tangible proof that this is a physical impossibility. That evolution is the truth.

 The Bible tells me that black people are black because of the curse of Canaan. Science and genetics show concretely that melanin, not voodoo, is responsible for skin tone.

 Belief in the Christian god is as archaic now as belief in the Roman gods that it usurped and assimilated. We are human. We evolved, and we continue to evolve. Part of that evolution is unraveling the mysteries of life, discovering new things, and understanding things we didn't before.

 We once believed that illness was caused by a small troll or gnome living in the stomach, but science has taught us otherwise.
 We once thought that bloodletting would balance the humors of the body and restore it to health regardless of the ailment, but science has taught us otherwise.
 We once thought that blood sacrifices would ensure a bountiful harvest, but science has taught us otherwise.

 It is my hope that someday we can say, "We once thought that a magical sky ghost molded the vast universe and everything in it in six days, but science has taught us otherwise."

Solve for X

You know what? I'm about tired of these super-Christians telling me to "put the Christ back in Christmas." Enough is enough. I understand you're devout, fine. I get that you believe some magical man fathered himself, and created everything in a matter of 6 days, fine. I want to hit you in the face with a damned brick because respect that for whatever reason, you disregard science, and chose to instead believe that the earth is merely a few thousand years old, fine, but stop trying to shove your religion up my ass down my throat. I'm tired of it. I don't believe in your ghost, and whether you choose to acknowledge and respect, as I do, that there are myriad people out there with just as many belief systems or not is your own business. Have fun with it. As for me, I'm not putting the Christ back in Christmas. I'm not even completely secularizing it and wishing people "happy holidays." No. I'm taking it one step further. Merry X-Mas. Solve for X. If it's Christmas to you, then Merry Christmas. If it's Hanukkah, Merry Hanukkah. If it's Kwanzaa, Merry Kwanzaa. It can all be covered with the most widely recognized variable in the world... X.
These are probably to a great degree the same lot of people that want to put the Sabbath back in Saturday. Knock it off... that's not where the Anglo-Saxon names of the days came from anyway, and any primary school student knows this. I'll thank you very kindly to stop trying to fuck with my verbiage, and go about your business. Wish people anything you want this holiday season, as long as it's positive, good-natured, and sincere, who gives a bald rat's ass how you say it?

~So sayeth the Mofo.